What grown children have to say about
their parents' divorce

   For 20 years, Constance Ahrons followed the lives of a group of divorced families. The families were randomly selected from public divorce records, and interviews were conducted one, three, five, and twenty years after the legal divorce.

   In We're Still Family Constance Ahrons tells, in their own words, how the children fared. This is what she found.

Of 173 adult children of divorce:
76% do not wish their parents were still together
79% feel their parents' decision to divorce was a good one
79% feel their parents are better off today
78% feel they are either better off or not affected.

   In addition, half of these adult children of divorce felt their relationship with their father actually improved after the divorce, while another 12% said it was unaffected. Ahrons also found the average age at which children of divorce married, the age at the birth of their first child, and the percent who divorced are similar to other adults in their age range, regardless of family structure.

   Many of her findings are contrary to popular perceptions of divorce, but the news is not entirely good.

   She also found 20% of these adults felt their parents' marriage, divorce, and the post-divorce family combined to have a devastating impact, leaving emotional scars that didn't heal.

   In We're Still Family, Ahrons presents the myths about divorce, suggests how to tell children you are divorcing, and discusses what creates emotional resilience in children.

Spouses who are happily married don't divorce

   In one section of the book, adult children of divorce give advice to parents who are divorcing. Among their suggestions: whatever you do, don't stay together for the sake of the children; remember, kids want you to get along with the ex, don't put them in the middle; be consistent; reassure children over and over that they are loved; and tell them they are not the cause of the divorce.

   In the United States, Ahrons finds, 43% of first marriages will end in divorce, and only 25% of all households fit the "one household, two married parents" model.

   This book is a valuable guide for parents seeking to ease the transition to a post-divorce family.

   Constance Ahrons writes with an easy, reader-friendly style. Her findings are consistent with Mavis Hetherington's research, which is the most comprehensive study of divorce ever done in the US. Constance Ahrons is also the author of The Good Divorce.

From From We're Still Family:

--"The idea that we can look at the effects of divorce without looking also at family life before divorce denies the reality: Spouses who are happily married don't divorce."

--"Although I do not want to minimize the potential long-term effects of a parental divorce, I think it is a mistake to exaggerate its negative impact, because it causes us to distort the realities."

--"It may feel threatening to you if your children form a close bond with a stepparent, but that love does not diminish their love for you. When parents embrace this, children are not only freed from painful loyalty conflicts, they can also experience the real advantages of having several parents to love and be loved by, additional adults who can support, nurture and guide them."

--"Good divorces have been well-kept secrets because to acknowledge them in mainstream life threatens our nostalgic images of family."