Mr. Hyde
Seven months ago I met a really wonderful man. He was kind, understanding, and a great communicator. He shared my love of the outdoors and accepted me for who I am. This was particularly important to me because I have a high sex drive and have had relationships where my lover just wasn’t up to it. Now I seem to be punished for who I am.
Why? Because the wonderful man I fell in love with, after seven months of monogamous dating, announced he wanted not only group play but actually to have an open relationship. He wants to date others and be free to see ex-girlfriends. Already he has thrown a party to which I was not invited, so he could have sex with an ex.
He said the greatest gift a lover could give is to be absent and allow their lover to be with someone else. Right now he is seeing an ex who is visiting town. Another ex comes to town soon, and a lover from overseas is due next month. At the same time he’s caught up with an old girlfriend and is organizing a date with a new girl he met two months ago.
He says when he sleeps with another it makes him want to come back to me all the more. He says an open relationship is a loving one and our capacity for love is endless. I feel he is manipulating me. He lied to get me interested and now wants me to approve his seedy lifestyle. Am I right? Or is it possible, if I had a different attitude, I could really enjoy this like he says?
Selena
Selena, people involved in swinging and other erotic fixations are almost always extraordinarily open, friendly, and welcoming. Why? Because they are constantly recruiting others to play a part in their game.
In the novel “Oliver Twist” Fagin appears first as Oliver’s benefactor, but his real aim is to turn Oliver to a life of crime. The drug dealer on the corner gives you a free taste in the beginning, but that’s the last free taste you’ll get from him. And the man who abuses women doesn’t slap them on the first date; he waits until they are emotionally invested before acting like himself.
As you were growing up no love song, noble tale, or ancient story made this lifestyle seem appealing to you. Women have moved out of the realm of being chattel, out of the realm of having no vote, and out of the realm of being unable to support themselves. They need to move out of the realm of being used in every other way.
This man is like a shark on a feeding frenzy, and he wants to use you as his ticket to group activities. No part of that is part of your nature. If he told you in the beginning he wanted you as part of his harem, you would have run. That is still the only course.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of August 6, 2007)
No Girl’s Dream
I’ll go out on a limb here and see what you have to say. Nothing ventured, nothing lost. My girlfriend and I have been dating for eight years. We share many interests, such as camping, scuba diving, traveling, and just being together.
Although outwardly we are a couple, lately we seem to be drifting apart. We have, in the past, experimented with the swinging lifestyle. From my point of view it was freeing and fun, but at no time did I lose sight of who I was with and why we were there. It came to a sudden end when her insecurities and jealousies surfaced, much to my chagrin.
Here’s the problem. Our sex life has gone downhill over the last 8-10 months. My girlfriend has subtly accused me of affairs with other women. She feels I have no sexual desire for her, and at this point in her life, seems to see things that aren’t there and feel things without merit.
I am still very much in love with her, but lately it has been impossible to look past her shortcomings. The last week we have been in a quiet period and not talking. What friendly words of advice can you give me, or us, to work through the turmoil? Is this something we should be taking to a counselor?
Ralph
Ralph, Tamara and I didn’t have to teach our golden retriever to fetch, or our Samoyed to den-up before a storm. Similarly, you don’t need to teach a terrier to dig or a rottweiler to herd. It’s in their nature to do so.
It is not surprising your girlfriend felt insecure and jealous while you had sex with other women. It is perfectly natural. It is not in a woman’s nature to desire that lifestyle. Some women go along with it to keep a man, or because of emotional problems, but it is contrary to their nature.
You talk about her shortcomings. Is that a way not to examine your own? For eight years you were together, and the relationship never progressed. You added third parties to spice things up. Your shortcoming was failing to admit you felt she wasn’t enough for you.
You two may share some nice memories and common interests, but the relationship failed. Love was replaced with sex and experimentation. Your girlfriend’s jealousy and accusations are the result of what you did to satisfy yourself. That’s the bottom line. That is what you are not admitting.
You can face it tonight or face it tomorrow, but face it you will. She is on the verge of realizing she tried to get it all from someone who can’t give it all to her.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of August 14, 2000)
Bird In The Hand
I'm just curious how many couples met their demise by bringing a third or fourth person into the relationship?
While we were seeking sex partners together, it seemed as if everyone does it. Online is filled with willing people, and those people became a reality. So we thought it was true. People do this sort of thing.
Well, then it happened. We crashed and burned. "How can you do that in front of me?" "But you wanted me to." "You have feelings for him, don't you?" This ultimately destroyed our marriage.
I feel violated and have shut down emotionally and physically. I am trying to understand why I did something so wrong against my better judgment and intuition. I am trying to understand why he would want to share me, then blame me.
Portia
Portia, you would have saved yourself the embarrassment and humiliation if you realized your marriage was over when he brought this subject up. A man may have many sex partners, but he doesn't want marriage to a woman who has sex with many men. We never tire of saying that intuition is the most reliable guide.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of August 20, 2001)
Duplicity
We've been married 20 years. In order to spice up our sex life we would occasionally share fantasies, and one that seemed to turn us both on involved my wife with me and another man. This remained a fantasy until recently when we had drinks with a photographer who specializes in "boudoir photography."
Probably as a result of too much wine I asked if he would take photos of my wife, and he agreed. On the day of the photo session my wife asked me what she should do as she was nervous. I conveyed to her she was to lose her inhibitions and enjoy the experience. The shoot took place at midday, and I could not be there.
Afterwards she told me the photo session had been a success. She and the photographer shared a bottle of wine, and in the course of the session she'd learned much about posing properly. She went on to say she and the photographer participated in a whole gamut of sex acts she really enjoyed since he had unlimited stamina.
She said she hoped I felt good since she had gone along with it for me. She says she loves me more than ever and will not ever do this again. Her subsequent actions support this. Although I helped to arrange it, I am unable to stop thinking of the whole episode. I want to get over it and move on, but I'm losing sleep big time.
John
John, in one of Mozart's operas, an older man bets two younger ones their sweethearts are fickle. As part of the bet, the two younger men are to pretend to be called away, then return in disguise and try to seduce the women. The older man is confident the women will not be faithful; the young men are equally confident they will be.
While the plot is hokey, it flirts with a great truth. Our deepest desire is for someone who wants only us. What you really want is for your wife to say and mean, "You are the only one I could ever make love to." That is the sexier thing and the deeper desire.
You didn't understand your sexual fantasy would override your deeper desire. In your head you controlled the outcome. In actuality, you controlled nothing. You didn't fantasize your feelings would turn out like this. But in the letters we receive, one or both parties is always revolted by the outcome.
Your wife was not true to your fantasy. You weren't there, and that is why you feel she is mollifying you. But even if you had been there, your feelings would likely be the same. We never, ever, recommend intimate relationships with more than one person. In the letters we receive, the outcome is always what you describe.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of January 26, 2004)
Broken Circle
My wife and I married nine years ago and have two wonderful children. We were high school sweethearts who married after dating four years. About a year ago we fell into the swingers lifestyle.
This was a mutual decision we both enjoyed. However, problems started creeping into the relationship. In my opinion, she is addicted to chatting on the Internet to people in the lifestyle. She uses the computer at least six hours a day, checking her e-mail, chatting, and showing herself on her webcam.
It upsets me she would rather chat than spend time with me after our kids go to bed. She thinks I'm being childish when I tell her how it makes me feel. Now to be fair, I'm no saint. I'm moody and have a temper. I've looked into anger management and keeping things under control.
One of the things I'm supposed to do is verbalize and talk about how I feel or why I'm upset. When I do this, my feelings are basically thrown back at me as being stupid. It's come to the point where I have to schedule time with her. Not just sex, but normal time sitting and talking, or watching a movie.
I love her with all my heart, but I'm not sure how long I can feel ignored. I do not want my kids growing up in a broken home, nor do I want them to pick up on our relationship issues.
Brad
Brad, you married too soon. You both wanted to date after marriage, which is what the decision to swing is all about. Now one of you wants to continue to date. The problem? You are not that one. Why can't you tell her enough is enough? Why can't you throw the webcam away? Because she'll say, "I want a divorce."
You are in the same position as the woman who says to her husband, "Honey, don't you think you've had enough to drink tonight?" She cannot speak forcefully or pour the booze down the drain because she doesn't want him to leave. That indecisive behavior shows her husband she knows she is in a weak position and he can continue doing whatever he wants.
Parents can't hide Christmas presents from their kids, much less hide their own emotional turmoil. That is why infants cry when they sense their mother is upset. You are deceiving yourself if you think your children don't know about your problems.
The reason to get married is you and your partner decide to close the circle. There will be no others. Once you break the circle, the marriage is over. The relationship is dating. As soon as your wife finds someone else, what is now fact in her behavior will become fact in law.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of February 20, 2006)
