Time Enough
I am 36 and exclusively dating someone, 41, for almost a year now. I feel, given our age, we should have enough experience to know whether we would like to pursue a serious relationship. When I ask my boyfriend about a future commitment, which means he wants me in his future and is committed to making it work, his response is, "Let's take it slow."
Frankly, I don't know how much slower I can take it. I am not insinuating marriage or even living together. I would like to know he is committed to the possibility of a life together. What is a reasonable period for someone to know if they are willing to commit on the level I described?
I understand everyone works on a different time clock, but when does time run out? He will only share that he loves me if I ask him. I am a patient, caring, loving, smart woman who has a lot to offer. I love this man, but I am realistic and will not wait forever.
Sara
Sara, Einstein explained relativity to his long-time secretary by saying: an hour sitting with a pretty girl passes like a minute, while a minute sitting on a hot stove passes like an hour. Einstein's relative time is unlike clock time, which passes in regular, unvarying beats.
But no matter how one measures time, you and your boyfriend have been together long enough for him to know what he feels. He wants to slow time to a stop. He is satisfied with what he has. You are trying to move time forward to a wedding.
There is a third kind of time, psychological time. In psychological time, the time is always now. If your boyfriend truly loved you, his feelings would bubble to the surface all the time. He couldn't help himself. He would tell you he loves you and wants to be with you always.
You are afraid, if you approach the subject directly, he will say no. But approaching the topic in a roundabout way is more likely to cause him to take advantage of you. He gets the point, even if he pretends not to.
Say from your heart where you want your relationship to go and insist on his answer. It is better to get a no now, than to wait one, three, or five years for the same answer.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of August 9, 2004)
Looking Forward
I am involved in a relationship for the past seven years. Recently I asked my partner what his future plans are for us. His answer was, "I don't know." Am I wasting my time?
Nadine
Nadine, if you have to approach the topic of marriage so gingerly, you already know the answer. If your partner wanted to make things permanent, you wouldn't need to ask.
It's hard to walk away from a casino table when you've been losing. You naturally want to win back what you've lost. You lost three years, then four, and now seven. It's time to walk away.
He's had the benefits, and you've taken the loss. He hasn't given you the one thing you want. Chances are he has known for a long time he doesn't want to make you his wife.
You will learn a lesson if you end this relationship on your own terms. You will have learned not to let things drag on with someone who doesn't have those feelings which add up to marriage.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of November 25, 2002)
Dreams
I dated someone off and on for almost ten years with no hope for growth and love. Recently I turned a new leaf of life to find someone special, yet I wonder if I did the right thing.
Trisha
Trisha, in Virgil's epic poem about the founding of Rome, Aeneas enters a cave leading to the underworld, the place where the dead have gone. Just inside the cave is an enormous elm on whose branches hang the unfulfilled dreams of men.
You spent ten years with a man who could not fulfill your dreams. Don't look back now that you have taken the first steps.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of May 10, 2004)
