Not Seaworthy
I have a question that may be something I alone can answer, but perhaps you can assist. Here's hoping.
I love my boyfriend. He is a wonderful man, with a great heart and soul. No one else could care for me as deeply as he does. We've been together three years, and although marriage has been brought up in passing, we've never discussed it at length. It's reached the point I feel if I am not going to marry him, I should let him go.
He hasn't pressured me, asked about forever, or anything of that nature. But I know if I said today "let's get married," that would be all I needed to say. We have a good give-and-take relationship, but I still wonder. Would it work, would I be happy, would we end up like so many others in a dreadful relationship 20 years down the road?
I look at other men and think what my life might be like if I were with them and consider "trying them out" so to speak. I go back and forth on this and don't know if it's just my young age, 23, the fact that by nature I am indecisive, or if I am, as another of your reader's wrote, only 99% in love with him.
I don't want to wait until there's a big white dress in my closet to realize I'm on the wrong path.
Addie
Addie, we use the word "love" in this context. Love is what you feel for the one you want to be with for the rest of your life. That word in relationship to anyone else is not love. For example, I love him but he's hitting on my sister, or I love him but I can picture myself with other men, or I love him but anything else… That's not love. It's desperation, wish, hope, desire, innate need, or even a craving to be abused. But it's not love.
How do we know you don't love him? You are already predicting the relationship's demise. You are leaving yourself an out. You've left the hatch on the submarine open. If you marry, expect to hear the rushing of water, the bonging of the alarm, and the cry to abandon ship.
Some research has looked at who fares better in relationships: people who follow their gut feelings, or people who weigh pros and cons. That research tilts in favor of the gut feeling people. They are more likely to stay in a relationship which lasts. Why is that true? You have an emotional stake in your gut. The "reasons" for staying with someone are head stuff. Head stuff can change, and head stuff doesn’t involve you personally.
Another way of saying this is Occam's razor. The simplest answer is usually best. There are no extra parts to go wrong. The complicated answer has failure built into it.
Wayne & Tamara
Epilogue
I appreciate your candid and prompt response. It confirms what I believed to be true. Although I feel pain and sadness for what I have to do, your response gave me the last bit of a push I needed to actually do it. Thank you very much, you are just wonderful!
Addie
Addie, your feeling of relief proves this is the right decision. Like all good people, you do not want to hurt someone else. But just as a doctor often must inflict pain in order to cure a problem, so you must inflict pain in ending this relationship. The greater injustice would be to do nothing.
Doing what you must doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a mature person. Some days we get to dance all night. Other days we have to scrub floors. The test in life is that we do the appropriate thing, whether it is easy and pleasurable or not.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of January 30, 2006)
Bullseye
My fiance and I seem to be at an impasse. I am seriously rethinking marrying this guy because I feel like he seems to find every fault in me and, quite often, is controlling and abrasive.
Sometimes I can tell he's sorry because he'll buy me flowers or pay me a compliment a few hours later, but it doesn't seem to be sincere after having an insult slung at me. I need your help because I don't want to marry the wrong guy.
Fern
Fern, archers raise their aim higher to reach a far target. They aim high not to send the arrow upward into the sky, but because they know that is necessary to reach the mark.
Knowing how difficult a bad relationship can be, you must raise your aim so your chances of hitting your target are improved. A lower aim assures your relationship will land in the dirt.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of May 13, 2002)
Her Parent's Marriage
My husband and I recently celebrated our sixth anniversary. We planned to build our dream home next spring, but that was postponed when I told him I wasn’t sure what I wanted anymore.
My husband is truly an incredible man. Very honest, responsible, respectful, and caring. I love his family more than my own. He would be a wonderful father, but there has always been something missing. Why I don’t know. I have everything anyone could want in a marriage.
I had doubts even before we married, but I kept going with the flow. I’ve thought about leaving many times. I have wasted my husband's time, time he could have used to find the woman who would give him an honest marriage, and the baby he always wanted. I want a baby also, but knowing how unsure I am, I couldn’t do that now.
I cheated on my husband, and he is aware of it. Knowing that, he still loves me and wants me. I don't deserve that. I have been to counseling and bible studies, but still wonder if leaving is the right thing. I love him, but I can’t be married to someone I don’t want to make love to.
My mother and father have the kind of marriage I don’t want. They don’t sleep together, communicate, or make love. I don’t want to resent my husband the way my mother resents my father. I have been told my feelings will change, but it’s been six years and they haven’t changed yet.
Can I learn to love him intimately? I feel I am wasting my time and my husband’s time.
Joy
Joy, things wrong from the beginning don’t somehow become right. If that was true, you could marry for money, or marry to please your parents, and be happy. Going with the flow was the easy road. It became the hard road.
Once the wedding was over, all that was left was what was really there. Louis Armstrong, the great jazz trumpet player, said, “If it ain’t in your heart, it won’t come out of your horn.” It is not in your heart to love this man. It never has been. You mirrored back what he thought he felt for you.
You have nothing bad to say about your husband, but already you understand your feelings are turning to anger, resentment, and bitterness. Until you are completely honest with him, he will feel he tried everything and failed.
The new year is a time for hope, a time to make things right which are not right. Time is passing. Two people are being hurt here. There is hope in this if you admit what went wrong, went wrong on the wedding day. There is hope if you understand why you did what you did, so you never do it again.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of December 11, 2000)
