Company We Keep
I have a male friend I've known several years. He's a player. Always has been and I fear he always will be. I gave his number to a friend, Gloria, who was interested in him. I warned her he's a player; she said she didn't mind.
A month later I learned another close friend, Cindy, was involved with him, but it was nothing serious. He expressed interest in both of them and said they both knew he didn't want anything serious. One did not know about the other. Then Gloria found a boyfriend and stopped seeing him.
Cindy continued to see him, and it got serious although he never admitted it. In the past few months Gloria contacted him and he decided he wanted to be with her, but he told Cindy he wasn't seeing anyone else. I felt something was going on but wasn't sure until I confronted him.
I was stuck in the middle. I told him I would tell both women. He didn't tell them, so I did. He got mad at me because now neither wanted anything to do with him. He told me he didn't want to be friends with me anymore.
My two friends were grateful, or so I thought, for letting them know what was going on. Now one friend decides I should have told her sooner. She says I betrayed her. She will have nothing to do with me. It's difficult as we have the same group of friends. Am I in the wrong?
Summer
Summer, let's take a broader approach to your question. Do you think a woman's sexuality should be used as a plaything by a man?
What is a player? A man who plays with women's affections. What are the elements of play in this game? There are two: being involved with multiple women, while concealing that fact, and giving each the illusion there could be more for them, in order to get more for himself.
Both you and this man know a player uses a woman's nature against her. The player says he's not offering a relationship, but once he is intimate with a woman, she feels it must be a relationship. No woman wants to be a party girl. It's not in a woman's nature to want to be used.
You're around a man you know uses women. We are known by the company we keep. You kept company with a man who uses and abuses women. Whether you wanted to or not, you vouched for him with your friends. You helped them believe he was all right because he was your friend.
It's as if you introduced a burglar to your girlfriends, and he burglarized their houses. Where's the surprise? You knew his nature. Apologize.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of September 5, 2005)
In Tall Grass
My best friend, Ryan, told me last night he got his girlfriend, Rebecca, pregnant. He is 22 and she is 20. He told me he was probably going to marry her "because that is what I should do." Let me give you a little background.
Ryan knew this girl back in high school and met up with her again four months ago. She had just gotten out of a year-long relationship a week before. Despite that fact, they promptly started sleeping together. Within a month they had a pregnancy scare because she refused to use any form of birth control. She said it "messed with her system."
And he believed her! I told him she was full of it, and he needed to at least wear a condom because having a baby at this time in his life would be a disaster. Well, he didn't listen. When he informed me I was going to become an "aunt," I asked him if birth control was involved. He said it got pointless to use any.
I asked if he was in love with her. He said the "in love" part would come along later. Argh!!! I love and care for my best friend, but I have never in my life met such a clueless and gullible guy! He always dates women who manipulate and use him! I am so disappointed.
She does not have a job, skips out on her cosmetology classes, expects her parents to pay for everything she wants, and to top it off, she is very cold. You know how when you're around someone, and you can literally feel they are heartless? Well, that's Rebecca.
She's in his life regardless because of the baby, but he doesn't have to marry her to be a good father. I told him if he was not in love he had no business marrying because it would be mocking the entire institution.
The few times I've been around her, she literally pushes Ryan away when he tries to be affectionate, and puts him down in front of everyone. I've been with my boyfriend for three years, and even though he drives me nuts sometimes, I would never put him down due to one thing. We love each other. There is no love between this couple.
It's my belief she has done the classic move of trapping him. Ryan has never felt very manly. He's the baby in his family, and now he has a chance to prove to the world he is grown up! This girl saw all that and fed off those facts. He got trapped, he knew it was going to happen, and he let it happen. His stupidity is beyond me!
Ryan appreciates that I am not a beat-around-the-bush person. If I have something to say, I'll say it, though I make it diplomatic and tactful. Should I go along with this and keep my mouth shut? Or should I tell him what I think and hope he doesn't make the biggest mistake of his life?
Liz
Liz, in Stephen King's novel "From A Buick 8" a character says, "We never go forward believing we are going to fail, do we? No. We do it because we think we are going to save the day, and six times out of ten we step on the business end of a rake hidden in the high grass, and up comes the handle, and whammo, right between the eyes."
You want to know if you should say anything. Of course, you should. To do otherwise would put a big honking lie in the middle of your relationship. Tell him not with the expectation he will change, because that's unlikely, but so he understands where you are coming from. You care about him and don't want to see him hurt.
If your friendship can't survive honesty, then it shouldn't survive.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of September 13, 2004)
The Best Policy
How do I help a former friend let go of a friendship that's not working for me?
This woman, I'll call her "Anne," is a life coach. We met last year and hit it off as friends. The problem for me is the vast majority of our conversation centered around Anne and her situation, particularly as it related to men. On and on these conversations would go about this guy or that. My honest feedback was not well received.
Prior to getting fed up with the lack of balance in our friendship, I invited her to speak at a conference I organized. The event took place last month, and Anne was just okay as a speaker. Reviews were mixed, but it was done.
Last night Anne left a message indicating she wanted me to be a referral for a potential client. I feel bad about recommending someone I no longer believe to be effective. How do I get off her calling list without being unkind?
Laurel
Laurel, in this situation truthfulness is more important than politeness. Politeness will get you more of what you don't want more of.
Anne doesn't take criticism, or the truth, well. She makes a good first impression, but she does not have the understanding she is trying to sell to others. Giving Anne what she wants makes you a co-conspirator with her, and that is an incongruity you cannot live with.
Just as your life must proceed from honesty, so must Anne's. Tell Anne reviews of her performance don't allow you to make a recommendation. If she takes offense, she is taking offense to the truth.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of July 28, 2003)
Auld Lang Syne
I have been very close friends with a woman for 25 years. We've been friends through marriages and divorces, children and careers. Though we live miles apart, we kept in contact and visited one another every month or two.
That is, we did until a year ago when she met a man and started a relationship with him. When she began going with this man, she completely blocked me from her life. It hurt very badly. Now she's called and wants to come to town to introduce this man to her father, and to see me.
I haven't seen her since this past summer when we were on vacation. Several years ago she decided to vacation where my husband, kids, and I vacation. She did not ask me, she just booked a cottage at the same place and told me a week before vacation.
I saw her there this summer with her boyfriend, but she was distant and did not want all of us to spend time together. In fact, she was somewhat of a snot. I am happy she has someone because her marriage was difficult and painful. It just seems to me we could have all been friends together.
I don't want to be bitter, but she has been reckless with my feelings. I tried to talk with her about all of this last summer, but she was determined to have things her way. I thought I had gotten over it, but I see that I have not.
Now, she wants to visit. She sets all the terms, and I'm tired of it. I think we should not resume the friendship. As far as vacation goes, I'd pretty much treat her as I would other people vacationing there, friendly but not personal.
Am I taking care of myself, or being too rigid?
Hermione
Hermione, last summer Wayne met a man who quit his job of 20 years. The job paid well and he enjoyed it, but when his company was bought out by another, he had to learn a different way of doing things.
Though he wasn't singled out for special or unfair treatment, the new practices irritated him. He complained constantly. One day his boss said, "If it bothers you so much, why don't you just quit?" "I think I'll do just that," the man said, and out the door he went.
The man told Wayne how much he regretted his rash decision. Neither job he's held since compares to his old job in money or personal satisfaction.
Twenty-five year friendships don't grow on trees. Before calling a halt to this one, consider a few things. Your friend hurt you deeply, but that was not her intent. She was intensely trying to have a man in her life. Adding a new relationship, something had to give. That something was your time together.
Now her relationship is solid, and she wants to resume your valued friendship. That is what you wanted last summer. That is all she wants now. It sounds like a meeting of minds.
There is no reason to act rashly. Pause and let your relationship seek its own level. Emerson said, "It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them." She knows she was "stupid" last summer. Give her a chance to undo it.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of December 24, 2001)
Ill-gotten Gains
Over a four year period I've become great friends with a guy in my small community. He moved into town from a large metro area, and we met through common interests--motorcycling, surfing, and boating. We also share the same sense of humor, same interest in world events, and common interests in just about everything else.
He and I, along with our wives, have become close. I knew all along he'd made a considerable amount of money in the cash advance or payday loan business. I know this type of business has a sleazy factor to it, but I never knew how payday loans actually worked. We were friends, so I wasn't judgmental about his business ethics or morality.
Well, the television show "60 Minutes" ran a story about these businesses a few weeks ago. They explained how they prey on the poor, the uneducated, and the desperate. People are trapped in super high interest rates, and they can never get out from under. The business is basically legalized loan-sharking.
It was an eye-opener. It goes against everything I consider good and right. I was so disturbed by the "60 Minutes" story I abruptly ended our contact and friendship. This was one of the toughest decisions I ever made, and I've thought about it nonstop ever since. My question to you is have I been unfair?
I don't think you can separate what you do for a living from personal relationships, especially when what you are doing is unethical and immoral, even if it's considered legal. It is true the older you get the harder it is to make true friends, and it sure is tough to give up a good one, but I feel I have to stand up for what I believe.
Butch
Butch, many people have noted that ancient peoples were just as intelligent as we are. Their beliefs and customs may seem strange to us, but there has been no change in basic human intelligence in the last few thousand years.
What people seldom note is that there are just as many slaveholders among us today as there were in times past. True, slavery is illegal, but if it were legal, some people today would own slaves. Not all those people are in far off places. Some of them may be sharing your pew in church or riding to work with you on the bus.
In Joseph O'Connor's novel "Star of the Sea" a character observes that an unrestrained free market "may regulate everything: including who should live and who should die." The economic marketplace, in and of itself, contains no sense of good and bad, right or wrong. That sense must come from within us.
If this man's sense of ethics offends you, feel free to exclude him from your life. Each action we take and each choice we make expresses who we are.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of June 13, 2005)
