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         Players And Played

Life On The Serengeti

While working for a staffing agency, I met a man I always thought was attractive.  It never crossed my mind he would ask me out.  One day I was in the office waiting for my paycheck and he asked me for a date.  I accepted. 

It was a little uncomfortable at first since he was the president of the company, and in a sense, I worked for him.  The thought that everyone would be suspicious of our relationship made me uncomfortable.  However, he was very comfortable with the idea.

Things were going well until I started hearing less and less from him.  His receptionist started telling me he would call me back, but he never did.  I even left word on his cellular phone, but he hasn’t called.  Why would a man, who claims to have been attracted to me for so long, start playing this kind of game?

I tried to end the relationship because I was uncomfortable, but he reassured me things were okay.  He said he couldn’t bear the thought of not having a relationship with me.  I don’t understand.  Why would he change just when I’m starting to fall for him?  Why is he acting this way?  Please help.

Jennifer

Jennifer, every morning all the animals come to the watering hole.  It is the perfect time for a predator to ambush his prey.  What better spot to lay in wait than the one you know your prey must come to? 

The dynamics of your situation are nearly the same.  The boss asked you out while he almost literally had his hand on your paycheck.  Your instincts told you this was not a good idea.  Like every animal that ignores its instincts, you are now feeling the pain. 

Leave the last three letters off the word “relationship,” and you will have a clear idea what he couldn’t bear the thought of not having.  Whether he got that or not, he is done with you.  He has ended this relationship in the same way he began it, with only his interests in mind. 

Whether this experience is positive or negative is up to you.  You can learn not to trust men.  Or you can learn to listen to yourself and always follow your deepest instincts.  If you take the second path, you will eventually find the balance and harmony that make life a marvel.

Wayne
(The best of relationship advice from Direct Answers.)

 

A Familiar Melody

What is the definition of a "player?"  I remember the line "players only love you when they're playing" from an old Fleetwood Mac song, but I never understood it.

Three years ago I met a man I thought the most wonderful person in the world.  He was 42.  Until he was 37 he had a pattern of short relationships.  Then, against his life pattern, he married and had a child.  For him it was a bad choice.  She was a substance abuser.

When I met him, we were both divorced.  I was never allowed to meet his friends.  Everywhere we went I felt he was on the prowl for someone else.  It's that instinct thing we're supposed to listen to.  As time went by, he didn't want to help me with even little things.  Then I learned he had been spending time with a woman down the street.

In retrospect, with all I went through, I now see the definition of a player.  Why I was kept around so long is a mystery.  Probably because we each had a child, a child who was crushed when we parted.

When a person denies their life pattern and leads others to disaster, it's hard to think about a fresh start.  My question after this long story is how do you recognize a player earlier?

Marti

Marti, the answer is another question.  Do you have to try to fit a square peg in a round hole before you realize it won't work?  Or can you acknowledge what you see and skip the useless attempt.

The ability to recognize a player speedily depends on our self-deception level.  Your intuition saw the signs.  Your head recognized the pattern.  Your want overruled what you knew and sensed. 

Another part of the song says what your want and need denied.  "Said I loved you and you believed it was true.  That's hilarious."  Who are players?  Thieves.  Shadows.  They take what does not belong to them.  They get what they want and leave you with nothing.

You were looking for love and a lifetime marriage.  His pattern was a series of short relationships.  Most of the time the answer is right before our eyes, but we won't accept what we see.  We try to force the square peg in the round hole.  After, we wonder why.

Wayne
(The best of relationship advice from Direct Answers.)

 

Too Fast For Conditions

I am too young to be going through all this.  I should have listened to everyone who told me not to mess around with him.  I thought because he was older he would know how to treat a girl.

To make a long story short, he took my virginity and treated me badly.  Even after we broke up, we still had sex once a week.  I guess you could say he was my first love.  That's why I’m having trouble letting go.

Yesterday he told me he broke up with his girlfriend, so I slept with him last night.  I found out today they are still a couple.  How do I tell which guys want me for how I look, and which guys see the person I am?

Nicolette

Nicolette, the ability to recognize another’s intentions is so subtle it eludes some people for a lifetime.  But it can be learned.  The most practical lessons come from experience.  Coming into contact with others sharpens our understanding of their motivations.

That is something for your future.  Right now you have two disadvantages.  One is your youth, the other is the aftermath of being fooled.  But there is one element which can compensate.  That element is time.

Time defeats newness and infatuation.  Time defeats schemers.  Time is the easiest measure of what is love and what is not.  There is no reason for you to rush into sex.  You could have saved yourself oceans of pain by waiting longer.

Love builds with each memory.  Love builds with each success you share, with each hurdle you jump together. Allowing days, weeks, and months to accumulate in your relationship gives you the basis for judgment.  Is this the man who will love me the rest of his life?  Or is this the guy who won’t see me tomorrow, if I don’t put out tonight?

Wayne
(The best of relationship advice from Direct Answers.)

 

Method Of Operation

I am having a problem in paradise.  First of all, I am 22, he is 31.  We have known each other for a little over a month.

At first, he was more affectionate than I was.  He felt a little upset I wasn’t moving as fast as he was affectionately.  Not that he was trying to be sexual, he just wanted cuddling, hugging, and kissing.

For some reason he thought we were “two different people.”  He was unsure whether we should even talk anymore.  I didn’t see that!  We had a long debate, and everything was good after that.

Last Thursday he came to my birthday party, and everyone thought he was very attentive.  I sat on his lap, we held hands and hugged a lot.  He brought me a bottle of merlot wine, burned a CD with my favorite songs on it, and gave me a card.

In the past he told me I am special, and it would be a loss if I wasn’t in his life.  After the party I emailed him a thank you.  I called Saturday afternoon to see if he wanted to go dancing and left a message on his answering machine.  He didn’t call back, so I assumed he was busy.  No big deal.

Next day I called again.  He said he had plans all day.  I asked if he wanted to do something later, but he said he was starting a new job on Monday.  I’ve called or emailed four times since.

Maybe I’m being paranoid, but I’ve gotten no return call, no email, no nothing.  My friends and I can’t figure out what’s going on in his head.  I’m trying to think of the best way humanly possible to handle this situation delicately.  I don’t want to lose him, and I sure don’t want to give up easily. 

Elise

Elise, you want a delicate solution.  I can give you the solution, but it lacks delicacy.

In your mind your boyfriend wasn’t trying to be sexual, but cuddling, hugging, and kissing are the prelude to something more.  He didn’t get what he wanted.  Then he withdrew, perhaps as a way of moving you along.  Along the way he decided he was done with you.

Bill Clinton gave Walt Whitman’s “Leaves of Grass” to Hillary while they were courting.  He also gave the same book to Monica Lewinsky.  Who knows how many other women received the same treatment.  It was just his method of operation.

A bottle of merlot, a CD, and a note may well be just part of your ex-boyfriend’s modus operandi.  He does it by rote.  It doesn’t mean anything.  What has meaning is the way he is treating you.

Pursuing him makes you vulnerable, and opens the possibility he might try to use you for his own ends.  He’s a player.  Don’t play unless you want to be hurt.

Wayne
(The best of relationship advice from Direct Answers.)

 

One Night Stand

I met someone over the weekend who is very, very famous.  I was volunteering at a sports function and his sister was working the function.  As the day progressed, she and I really hit it off.  She asked me to take drinks to the suites upstairs.  Someone asked who I was, and from there no one would leave me alone.

I was told someone in the next suite likes me.  I went over and this guy, let's call him "D," just smiled but was so shy.  He had to go on stage and speak, but his friend said for me to stay.  D's sister's best friend took me aside to let me know D really likes me because I am different and he thinks I am sexy.

Okay, let's hurry this along.  We all hung out, but D didn't talk to me at all in the suite.  We went to a club.  At the club D was dancing and hanging all over this girl from the big brewery, the one that sponsors all these events.  I thought to myself, he sure as heck isn't shy with her.

I admit I had quite a few beers, but I made sure not to drive.  I'm big on that.  Well, we went to someone's house, and D comes up to me and starts talking.  We ended up kissing and having sex.  When I woke up, D was downstairs.  I felt terrible, partly because of the beer, but then because of what I did.

I went to get D.  I wanted to see how the chemistry was without alcohol.  We had sex again.  When I figured it was time to leave, I got dressed.  He sat down next to me but didn't really talk.  I wanted him to ask for my number, but I wasn't going to give it to him unless he asked. 

He asked.  That was last Saturday, less than a week.  D travels 38 weekends a year.  His time is limited.  He has girls all over him.  What is your perspective on sex like this?  Is it possible he will even call me?

Vanna

Vanna, D is anything but shy.  He is lazy, though.  He knows that as part of a famous person's retinue, he doesn't have to make an effort to get girls to go to bed with him.  One woman said you were "different."  What she meant was you are not the girl from last weekend or the girl from the weekend before.

D thought you knew how this worked.  The morning after you're supposed to swipe a road jacket and one or two other souvenirs, then leave.  Since you didn't seem to get it, he asked for your phone number as a way of getting rid of you.

It is never to a woman's advantage to get drunk and have sex with men she doesn't know.  You won't be respected until you respect yourself.

Tamara
(The best of relationship advice from Direct Answers.)

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