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Sexual Resume

My boyfriend and I recently talked about my past.  I told him about things I've done which I am not proud of today.  I was such a party animal.  I flirted with men and made out with some.  Because of this he has doubts I slept with more than the number I gave him. 

Now he can't even come to my house because that's all he thinks about.  He said he put me "up there."  He says he trusts me and knows I am committed to him, but my past eats him up.  When I try to talk things through with him, he keeps saying he doesn't know, he just doesn't know.  By the way, we weren't together then.

Wendy

Wendy, we don't recommend telling untruths or concealing, except in this one particular instance with men.  Many men feel they should be the first one to the top of the mountain--even though the only reason they got to the top of the mountain is because others have been there before them.

Wayne & Tamara
(The best of relationship advice from Direct Answers.)

 

Around The Block

I'm 21 and for the past seven months I've been with my girlfriend, 20.  I am the first person she's slept with.  Although she is the first girl I've been in a relationship with, she is not the first lady I slept with.  Prior to her I had a series of one night stands with five other women.  In the beginning, she was perfectly all right with that.

Lately we've been fighting, and she finds me disgusting, dirty, and cheap for having slept with other women.  The last analogy prior to kicking me out was I am a used car, a cheap Yugo, while she is a brand-new Ferrari.

Burt

Burt, she was a brand-new Ferrari.  Not anymore.  Now you're both "pre-owned."  When it's love, history doesn't matter.  When it's not, history does.

Wayne & Tamara
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Take A Number

I met this guy a few months ago through a cousin.  After going out a few times, he told me how many girls he has slept with.  He told me even though I said I didn't want to know.

He has slept with 32 girls.  In a panic I told him maybe we should just stay friends for awhile.  Since then there has been little talk between us, but I can't get him off my mind.  Everyone says he should not have told me and that he was trying to scare me off. 

I am 20, somewhat inexperienced, and he is 25.  Is this something guys usually tell girls right away?  Should I tell him how I feel about him?

Monica

Monica, not only should you not tell him your feelings, I would not recommend sharing the same glass with this man.

Knowing someone's past sexual experience is important within limits.  When you are to the point of being intimate, you need to know the health and risk issues involved.  He is not protecting you.  He is bragging.

Your first instinct was panic.  Your first instinct was right.  Don't think he is trying to scare you off.  Rather he is communicating to you that he has sex with all the girls he dates.  He is telling you what your number is.  You will be number 33 on his way to who knows how many. 

Wayne
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Worth Waiting For

I am a 31-year-old virgin male.  At times I feel sexually frustrated because I've never been intimate with a woman.  The only experience I ever had was a nice French kiss in high school.

I'm overweight and don't see myself as being worthy of a relationship as I am.  But after years of neglect and ignoring myself, I am now making changes to my health which will improve my self-image.

I am not attracted to men.  If I see a woman on the street I find attractive, I see someone who might be a good person, a good friend and a good soul.  With all that, I have the normal fantasies a guy has when he sees a woman.

I live in a small town with no social life but come alive when I am in a bigger city.  I also find women look at me and smile, and it's an ego boost.  I am considering going to an escort just to experience what I should have experienced 15 years ago.

There's a woman I talk to by email who knows I'm a virgin.  She mentioned she didn't see anything wrong in that and said I need to gain something I might have lost, and that's confidence.  She's hinted about us, but hints can be read wrong.

I don't know if I'm asking for answers or advice, but I believe in the phrase "good things come to those who wait."

Grady

Grady, we are all on different schedules.  On the unknown calendar of your life, there is much to come.  You will always remember your first sexual experience, so there is no reason to link it to money. 

For a woman, not having a sexual past means you don't come with unhealthy or sordid sexual baggage.  Men feel embarrassed if they don't have locker room stories to tell, but there is nothing in it for a woman to be a "good time girl."

Not to be stereotypical or old-fashioned, but women want love and strong emotional ties.  They want a relationship with a future.  Only then comes the desire for intimacy.  Love is what will make you attractive to a woman.

You already know your goal.  Get yourself physically fit and pursue what attracts you with passion.  If you've been fishing in too small a pool, it may be time to move to the lake.  Many of the happiest people are those who once felt life had passed them by.

Tamara
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A Clean Slate

I am writing this letter to ask one simple question.  I have been seeing my girlfriend for nine months, and we are madly in love.  We think we are made for each other.  She will soon be 19, and I am 24.  She has had sexual relationships in the past, and I haven’t.  I know that sounds silly in this day and age, but it’s the truth. 

There is nothing wrong with me.  I grew up in a rotten home situation and never wanted one night stands.  It’s just not me.  There was no love in my family, so love is the most important thing to me, not sex.  My girlfriend told me about her previous sexual encounters, the first with an older man who took advantage of her.  She said she never enjoyed it.  Mostly she just waited for it to be over.

I haven’t told her I am a virgin.  In fact, I told her I had numerous one night stands with women I barely know.  I read a lot on the Internet and watch Oprah (you are free to laugh), so I sound like I am the most experienced guy in the world sexually.

My girl wants to know how my previous sexual encounters came about, and if I still run into those women.  She’s afraid I will bump into one of them, go out for coffee, and jump into bed for old time’s sake.  Should I tell her my little secret?  How can a guy explain such a thing?  Please tell me something that will boost my confidence.
Trevor

Trevor, you have been waiting for the one person who would be right for you.  This is nothing to be embarrassed about, it just wasn’t time.  There are other men in exactly your situation.

Out of embarrassment, you lied.  Now you are suffering the natural consequences of lying.  Your lie needs more lies.  You cannot move forward together with a lie between you.  Your girlfriend wants to know more about your past because of what you told her.  Your lie made her feel vulnerable, and she is expecting the worst.

You are still new enough to each other that you can get this fixed.  You are not a hurtful person.  Lying isn’t like you.  Tell her the truth and regain your integrity.  Integrity means acting based on what you think, not on what you think others will think.

Tamara
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