Breaking Bonds
I am just out of high school, and I have come to realize what I really want is completely out of my family's standards. I come from an Indian family, where the standards are extremely high. Like in most Indian families, I am expected to become a doctor or engineer. To please them, I followed a course in high school for science and mathematics.
I did reasonably well, considering the toughness of the course, and everyone expected me to continue on this path. However, I met a wonderful man who is a teacher. He made me realize I would love to do something to work with people. My family, however, would scoff at that. Also, I have fallen in love with this man.
I know my family will never approve as he is Italian and not the rich Indian they envisioned for me. In spite of it all, I love my family. I don't want to disappoint them or fail myself. What to do?
Sati
Sati, one verse in the Bhagavad Gita might be freely translated, "Your path, no matter how humble, is better than another's path, no matter how exalted." That sentiment is not wishful thinking or a pipe dream. It expresses a profound psychological truth. When we do what we know we should be doing with our life, we envy no one.
The problem with following a path not your own is that the problem never goes away. Some people who are forced into a course of study they do not like fail several subjects or get caught cheating on a test. It is not that they lack ability or that they are dishonest; they subconsciously act out what they cannot consciously face. Other people finish the course of study and feel not success but sadness.
Another person who faced your dilemma was Eknath Easwaran. As a teenager in South India in the 1920s, Easwaran was told by his family, "India needs engineers." Though Easwaran had the ability to be an engineer, he knew it was not his calling. He resisted his family's entreaties and became a successful professor of English in India.
Successful lives often evolve into something which was never planned, and in his 50s, Easwaran moved to the United States and began teaching people how to leave painful memories behind, live fully in the present, and discover their unique contribution to life. As he said, he moved from "education for degrees to education for living."
Your family wants to secure your future, rather than trust the future. They are hardly to be blamed for wanting a secure thing, but the world does not need another uncaring doctor or bored engineer. Though your path may be difficult, it is still your path. And like Easwaran's life, your life can evolve from what your family now sees into something which expresses who you are.
One of Eknath Easwaran's favorite stories was about Mahatma Gandhi. Once, as Gandhi's train was leaving the station, an American reporter came to him and asked for a message to take back to his people. Gandhi scribbled something on a piece of paper and handed it back to the reporter. What Gandhi wrote was, "My life is my message."
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of March 8, 2004)
Basic Needs
Two years and some change ago, a woman and I touched each other intimately and kissed passionately. It was all in secret.
Since that time I have not been touched. Let me tell you, not one day goes by that I don’t miss being touched and kissed. “Find someone else” is what some professionals would say. If it were that simple, I would not be typing this letter.
I was raised in a certain circle where all my family and friends are into keeping your hands to yourself until you are married. Even then sexual expression is limited by certain “moral standards.”
I am not against abstinence and morality; they can literally be a lifesaver. But for well over two years my hormones have been left in the “on” position. I crave intimate contact, but if anyone in my circle finds out, I’ll be an outcast. My brother, with whom I share an apartment, would kick me out. I have nowhere else to go.
I have been to almost all the online personal sites I can afford, placing and responding to ads. I haven’t gotten even one response.
This uneasiness is affecting my work life. It is really getting to me. What can I do short of drugs or surgery?
Sheldon
Sheldon, you cannot find the answer to a problem until you understand what the problem is. Once the problem is understood, the solution appears.
Your problem is not that you can’t find a woman to be intimate with. Your problem is that you are not free to be who you are.
If Tamara and I could give you some gimmick to find a woman, you would still be sneaking around, afraid family and friends won’t accept you or her.
Like every human being born on this planet, you are not here to fulfill the wants, desires, and designs of other people. You are here to fulfill your own life. The problem is the people who occupy the caring positions in your life now, only accept you when you are what they want you to be.
This life is strangling you. You need to back away from the things which are crushing you. Only then can you decide what role, if any, they will have in your life. Only then can you be yourself. Only when you are yourself, can you attract the right woman.
If there was some other solution, you would have found it by now.
I didn’t get anything right in my life by letting someone else choose for me. No, that is how I made all my mistakes. Everything right in my life, I chose for myself based on my
inner feelings.
You don’t alter the man to fit the suit. You fit the suit to the man. You are the man, the elements and people in your life are the suit. Fit the suit to the man.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of October 11, 1999)
Panache
I thought this would be a good place to come to do a little venting, and maybe get some helpful advice as well. I turned 38 a week ago. I don’t want to sound like a whiner, and I know I should be grateful for what I do have, but I feel like my life should be so much more than what it is. In any case, I need to get myself back on track, as I seem to be operating on a short fuse.
This period of introspection has a lot to do with a two year relationship that recently ended. A few nights ago I went out for happy hour with my girlfriends. I thought a girls’ night out might be a good way to get my mind off the recent breakup, and the last thing I wanted was attention from men, since my frustration with the opposite sex is at an all-time high.
Well, I ended up getting hit on by a 50-something, overweight guy. Shortly after he introduces himself, he tells me I have a lovely figure, then proceeds to guess my weight, height, and measurements, including bra size. I was at a loss for words, but then he annoys me further by asking how old I am.
I was completely outraged. I told him my vital statistics were none of his concern, and if he’s in the habit of treating women like sexual objects, he should take his chauvinistic attitude elsewhere. Then I slapped his face and told him that was on behalf of all women who had to endure his offensive pickup lines.
He was taken aback, rubbing his cheek and walking sheepishly to the table where his buddies were. They watched the whole scene unfold and were laughing hysterically. Initially my friends were shocked, since I’m normally reserved and in the past would have found an excuse to avoid talking to the guy. (And brooded over what I should have done days later.)
But then they broke the silence with a round of laughter, and some “you go, girl” high fives. They also told me I seem a little on edge these days, and either need some counseling or some Valium. I think they’re probably right. I thought you might have some good techniques in mind to help me find an inner peace.
Amy
Amy, like Tamara, you are not one to suffer fools gladly. It’s a quality I admire. Perhaps it shows the difference between men and women, that a pudgy 50-year-old thinks he has the right to critique a woman on her height, weight, and the size of her bust.
Most of us are taught that anger is irrational and something to be controlled, but the truth is anger can be highly rational and much better than turning the other cheek or brooding about what we should have said. When you were angry, you were living from your authentic center and fully in the moment, and those two are the keys to living a full life.
You already know the techniques to inner peace: counseling, meditation, yoga, prayer, and things like that. But inner peace can be overrated. Being in the moment and concentrated is where it’s at. It’s almost the difference between bravado and bravura. Bravado refers to the swagger of the blowhard who hit on you, while bravura is the dash and verve of the well-lived life.
If you do the things so basic and so simple they make you happy, then your life will be alive with happiness. You can’t be dependent on others to make you happy.
The psychologist B.F. Skinner, the fellow who rewarded rats for pressing a lever and trained a cat to play the piano, was thought by many to be a dour sort. But as he died the last word on his lips was, “Miraculous.” That’s what every day is like when we are animated by the passion of being alive.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of October 2, 2006)
Out of the Frying Pan
Each day I feel I am merely existing and not living. I was widowed at 32 and have remained single. I feel unfulfilled with my job, my kids, and in this small town. I've always been restless, but I always made do.
My kids are teenagers. As I get older I want to do something drastically different with my life. A year ago I corresponded with a man living in Alaska. I chickened out because it seemed too hard. I didn't feel I could live in the Alaskan bush after spending all my life taking indoor plumbing for granted.
At the time I was filled with doubt. Now I regret not making the attempt. All I want is to reconstruct my life so I wake up each morning with gratitude for being alive. What can I do?
Sherry
Sherry, you have spent your life being someone else's child, someone else's wife, someone else's mother. How much time have you spent being yourself? Who are you, and who did you want to be?
You had dreams, you had aspirations. What happened to them? Search the scrapbook of your memory, and find them again. That is the place to begin. Which of those items still stirs your spirit? What can you do, what can you change, what would it take to make any of them possible?
You are at a weak point, so it is tempting to reconsider ideas you've already passed on. The Alaskan wilderness is someone else's dream. You dream of indoor plumbing and running water. Don't move from what you have to less. Move from what you have to more.
You are still a young woman. You have most of a lifetime in front of you. Nearly all paths are still open to you. Give yourself time. Enjoy exploring all the possibilities. When you find what connects, act!
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of September 10, 2001)
Wake-Up Call
In the first half of May, I went through two remarkable changes. One was physical and the other involved emotional recall.
The physical one was what I thought was flu and a heavy dose of it. It was accompanied by a surreal shivering never experienced before or since. The recall was of a family I knew in my school days more than 20 years ago.
I imagined them not during the school years, when I knew them, but much earlier. I got images of all three children as handsome creatures having just come into this world. I saw the hospital, their home, and so forth. It was incredible.
The middle child, a boy, was in my year in secondary school, but only a passing acquaintance. We were mostly in different grades and subjects. I never met either of his sisters, though I knew who they were.
In mid-May, just as I came out of this experience, the boy reappeared in my life. I ran into him in a betting shop, mind you, not in the same town as our school days. We never approached each other. He is shy, and though I am not gregarious either, I saw no percentage in turning back the clock 20 years.
Like me, his face retains youth and a casual appearance at the expense of vocational and social progress. A likeness of his older sister passed me in the street in late May, and in late August I saw an uncanny resemblance of his younger sister in the city center.
What does it all mean? I've never crossed paths with anyone else from my school days. Have I inadvertently led them to the same level of weak-living mediocrity that I always fashioned for myself? Or is it vice versa? And why this nexus with them, of all the possibilities?
Elliot
Elliot, whenever we have an experience, like tripping over a curb, it is accompanied by thoughts and feelings. In the case of the curb, we might feel clumsy or embarrassed. Our thoughts and emotions are what the experience is all about.
We wouldn't have known you feel unfulfilled if you hadn't told us. That feeling is what your experience is about. You were unwell, so it was natural to think about your mortality, your purpose on the planet, and what you haven't done.
Those feelings have been underlying your life, waiting for a moment to express themselves. You've stood in a line for 20 years, and the line isn't moving. You're being given a chance to acknowledge you don't have to stand in that line.
The only people who don't have a similar crisis are people doing what they know they should be doing with their lives. Those people understand what Thomas Traherne meant when he wrote, "Eternity was manifest in the light of day, and something infinite behind everything appeared."
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of October 7, 2002)
Happiness Is…
I was raised to believe that the secret to happiness is to be interested in other people, be a good listener, and spend your time helping others. However, the happiest people I know are completely self-absorbed.
Eagerly they bombard me with every thought that has passed through their mind, every excruciating detail of their mundane little weekends, every boring incident involving the computer at work. I am left grabbing for the Prozac, and wondering where I went wrong. In our modern world, is self-obsession the only way to go?
Chris
Chris, ignorance may be bliss, but it isn't happiness. Happiness doesn't come from living in a closet or only looking at two colors in the rainbow.
People who can only talk about the weather or movies she hasn't seen, drive Tamara crazy. Her cure is gradually withdrawing from those people. That opens space in one's life for people who are vitally alive and growing.
By filling yourself up and growing, you have much to offer lively people, and they will be attracted to you as well. Build on the relationships you find pleasure in, and start pulling back from the other ones. A friend of mine once explained how he lost the sense of joy in his life, and how he got it back. He told me, "I forgot to dream."
Wayne
(From the column for the week of September 2, 2002)
