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         Judging Others

Judging Others

Judged By Appearance

My daughter is a high school senior, 18 years old.  She is very cute, extremely athletic, and will graduate with high honors.  Cami has been very easy to direct and raise.  Her girlfriends are also bright and popular, but Cami is less secure with boys.

Some friends introduced her to a group of boys from another school.  One of the boys, Anthony, is a goalie at his school; Cami is also a goalie for her school.  She seems to like him.  Anthony came by to carry her to the movies tonight.  Shock!  He is short, heavy set, with a beard and long hair.

Some of her friends probably encouraged this, but Anthony is not the type they would ever date.  Yes, he is probably very nice, at least to her.  He is not the type her father and I want her to date.

How do we discourage this relationship without making her feel less secure?  What can we do to make her more secure?  How can we foster or promote confidence with boys?

Virginia

Virginia, you are asking the wrong question.  You are not asking how to give your daughter self-confidence.  You are asking how to control who she dates.

Based on physical appearance alone, Anthony is unacceptable to you and your husband.  If you value externals so much, why can't you say it?  You are trying to pass down a bias without having to admit to it.  You know if you tell your daughter the unvarnished truth, she will reject it as unfair and unacceptable. 

Taking this direction with Cami undermines her ability to make choices for herself.  You are forcing her to choose between her parents' love and approval, and what she feels is right for herself as an individual.  It is the interior of a man which will make your daughter happy or unhappy.  It is not for you to pick your daughter's husband by who you would pick for yourself.

You are teaching her to judge people based on what is outside, not what is inside.  This attitude can have effects you don't anticipate.  Will it make her two-faced?  Will she judge herself harshly as her own looks begin to fade?  Or will she learn to tell you and your husband what you want to hear, and act as she chooses behind your back? 

Wayne  & Tamara
(The best of relationship advice from Direct Answers.)

 

All That Matters

Just read your answer to "Judged By Appearance."  I totally agree.  In 1970 I went on my first date with my husband.  He was short and had a beard.  When I told my very conservative father who I was going out with, he said, "The guy with the beard, be home at midnight."

Well, on our first date, I got sick and he had to stop the car every five minutes so I could throw up.  No, we weren't drinking.  Upon arriving home I ran in the house determined never to see him again.  I was so embarrassed.  An hour later he came back with a beautiful bouquet of roses.  My parents were hooked.

We have been happily married for 30 years.  My family adores him and so do I.  Under that beard, inside this not too tall guy, beats a heart of gold.  He values family, honesty, and integrity before all else.

Any parent who truly wants the best for their child should get to know the person.  I know many women married to handsome men with a big wallet.  They don't always end up happy.  The only thing that is important is what's on the inside.

Marian

Marian, people who follow what's on the inside find happiness.  Thanks for sharing your story.

Wayne & Tamara
(The best of relationship advice from Direct Answers.)

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