Friend Or Foe
I have this friend who is really getting to me. She is an only child, who of course is spoiled, and I feel she is competing with me and comparing herself to me. She makes little comments that imply she is smarter and more beautiful. She just manipulates and is very superficial to men, and I feel she does the same to me. Any advice?
Nona
Nona, I once read a book which made a distinction between positive knowledge, negative knowledge, and ignorance. By positive knowledge the author meant we think we know something, and we are right. For example, Paris is a large city in France. Negative knowledge means we think we know something, but we are wrong. Paris is a large city in Italy.
Ignorance means we don't know where Paris is, and we know that we don't know. Usually people think ignorance is bad, but actually it is a very good state to be in. When we know we don't know, then we are prepared and willing to accept the right answer.
Negative knowledge is the worst state to be in. We don't know we are wrong, and so we are unwilling to give up our beliefs. What you have about this other woman is negative knowledge. A friend is someone we like, trust, and respect. It is someone we feel a bond with. Knowing this woman is not a friend, and acting upon it, will save you a lot of pain.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of February 4, 2002)
True Companions
I've fallen out with someone I regarded as a close friend of 10 years. My friend and an ex-boyfriend had an hour-long telephone call discussing my personal life with him. This boyfriend is a possessive so-and-so I ended up having to call the police about.
I couldn't believe someone I trusted would do such a thing. We didn't speak for months. Eventually she said she was sorry, though our friendship cooled a bit. A few weeks later she rings and falsely accuses me of stealing another girl's boyfriend. Again, I forgave her.
The next month I had surgery on my knee. Two days later she sent me a text message asking me to go out. I told her I was on crutches and couldn't go, but she was more than welcome to visit for the evening. I got a mobile text message calling me selfish and saying it was true what my ex said about me.
I tried to call her but she wouldn't answer the phone. I sent a message back saying if she wasn't going to speak to me, then stop sending nasty messages.
Now she's sent a letter asking if I've been sending her mobile text messages from someone else's phone. Like I've got nothing better to do! I haven't answered her, but part of me desperately misses our friendship. Most of my single friends have paired off or moved away, and I'm finding it incredibly hard to make new friends to trust.
Elisa
Elisa, your friend sounds more like a tormentor. If you reestablish contact with her, in 10 weeks your life will seem even more chaotic than it does now.
What if you used those 10 weeks to change a few patterns in your life? Perhaps you could change your phone number and where you go out. You could join a short class on doing macramé or throwing pots. Or you could go to the café inside the bookstore where they discuss books.
Then 10 weeks from now you will not only have learned something, but will probably have a new best friend, perhaps a woman wise about human affairs. Small decisions about who we spend time with make huge differences in our quality of life.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of October 14, 2002)
Catching Fleas
In February 2002 my friend Helen asked to borrow money or the bank would take her house. The money Helen borrowed I was saving for new carpet in my house. When I asked for it back, she said she lent the money to her friend Sandi, who is having an affair on her husband. Helen promised to repay the loan once Sandi repays her.
Helen is also having an affair, and I even covered for her with her husband by saying she was with me. In August I charged the carpet on a no-interest, no-payment credit card. If I don't get the money back by February 2003, I owe the whole amount plus six months of finance charges.
If I take Helen to court, all of this including her cheating will come out in the wash. What can I do to save this friendship and get my money back?
Karen
Karen, we make our own future, but in a way so subtle most of us can't figure it out. Involving yourself with deceitful people in a web of deceit was bound to come back to haunt you. If you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.
Perhaps a lawyer could help. But if you can't get your money returned, consider it the most valuable lesson you have learned in a long, long time.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of December 16, 2002)
Long Odds
I don't drive and have health problems. I have a friend who runs an under-the-table errand service. She is one of my closest friends so I rely on her. I always give her sufficient money for her time, and she has helped me out in many situations.
There have been two times in a row where she has blown me off. Both times she was to take me to a doctor appointment. The first time she did not call me in advance as she always did, so I called her. She said, "I can't talk, I'm running out the door." She hung up before I got to say a word. She called me back at midnight and said she was really sorry, she forgot.
I thought she probably did and went on with my business, though she ruined my plans and I ended up in a jam because of it. Last week I had a very important doctor's appointment. I called her well in advance, and she confirmed it twice during the week. But the time came when she was supposed to call and pick me up, and she never called.
So I called her. There was no answer. Today she basically blamed the whole thing on me, saying, "I was home sitting around waiting for your call. I don't understand why you didn't get through."
The long and the short of it is I don't know if I am being naïve, or is this just two strange coincidences. I don't want to accuse her of anything, but assessing the situation, I wonder if she doesn't want to do it and won't tell me directly. That would not offend me. I would make other arrangements. What do you think?
Zeta
Zeta, some years ago two basketball teams from the state of Ohio were contending for the national championship. The fans from Ohio State thought their team was better than the University of Cincinnati, and they were shocked when the other school won the national basketball title.
For a year the Ohio State fans claimed it was a fluke that Cincinnati won. But guess what? The next year the University of Cincinnati won again. That inspired some Cincinnati fans to rent a billboard near the Ohio State campus. The message on the billboard read, "Well, what do you know? Two flukes in a row!"
Why would you expect up-front behavior from someone working under the table? It's time to make other arrangements. Two flukes in a row are a message.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of March 31, 2003)
