Fashionably Late
What can a couple say and do when they have been late in getting wedding thank yous out to people? We have been married two years, with two separations among other serious challenges, and finally want to send cards.
At the same time we are embarrassed about our difficulties in marriage and getting out the cards. One of the problems is my wife's response when I asked if she would like to do this project together. She told me we have more important things to work on and even said, "They are mostly your friends. You can do them yourself!"
The cards are only the tip of the iceberg as far as our problems go. I wish I could hear some kind of answer from her like, "Yes, honey, why don't we?" Part of me feels like doing them myself and signing my name only because I thought wives were supposed to take care of this.
Ladd
Ladd, the new year is a time for new beginnings. Do it! Get enough stamps, write the cards all at once, and mail them before you lose your nerve. Nearly everyone appreciates a heartfelt apology, and during the holiday season nearly everyone is in a good mood.
Spend a few moments to rough out the message. A thank you coupled with a simple statement of regret for waiting so long is enough. You might say better late than never, or you might mention you've often thought of their gift and realized they haven't been thanked. If you remember what they gave, mention it. If not, don't worry about it. Use whatever expression comes naturally.
You never have to apologize for your own marital challenges. They are your business and no one else's. Don't worry about how people will take your thank you notes. Almost everyone will think well of you for having the courage to act.
This issue is bothering you. Evidently it doesn't bother your wife. Since the doing is to satisfy you, her participation is not required. Don't let the little negative voice within you make you fail to act just because she is unwilling to act.
Sign both names to the cards. The gift givers are not part of that problem. The point is to thank them. Once you get past this burden, you can look at other problems in your relationship. Perhaps this is your inner nature saying, With a little effort I can solve the problems which are weighing on me.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of January 6, 2003)
Rightful Owner
I was recently looking through some old photos when I found some of an ex-boyfriend when he was a child. I remember him telling me at the time these were the only photos that exist of him as a child, and that these are the only copies.
I want to send the photos to him so his family can have them. I have an old address of his parents. However, I don't want to send them by post with my address on the back of the envelope because I do not want any contact from him or his parents, nor for them to know where I live or work.
I'm happily married and desire no further contact from him. If I send the pictures without a return address and they no longer live there, the pictures will be lost forever. It's important for me that his family have these photos. Please help.
Pamela
Pamela, people love a mystery. If you send the photos anonymously, it may well induce someone to play private investigator.
It could also set off a series of unintended effects. Imagine your ex-boyfriend is recently divorced. The arrival of the photos will seem cosmic and spiritual. He'll think divine forces are drawing you back to him. Or if he has not been in touch with his parents, they may think the prodigal son is returning. Or they may even fear he's been kidnapped for ransom.
You cannot control other people's reactions, but you can minimize their effect on you, especially if you follow a straightforward course.
Send a note with the photos to the parents. Explain to them what you explained to us. Mention that now you are married, you realize the importance of keeping family photos in the family. Use the address of a third party, such as that of a friend in a different city or country, and mention the return address is that of another.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of January 20, 2003)
Band Of Gold
I am separated and in the process of getting a divorce. I have a silly question. When do you stop wearing your wedding ring?
Adrienne
Adrienne, the custom of wearing a wedding ring on the third finger of the left hand began at a time when people believed that finger had a vein which connected directly to the heart. When you feel that connection is broken, you can remove the ring.
Put the ring away on the day when it feels natural to do so.
Wayne
(From the column for December 24, 2001)
What’s In A Name
I realize that today anything goes, but I was wondering what the proper format is for a woman, when she gets divorced, regarding her name. To go back to my maiden name seems odd. Since I have children, I do not want a different name from theirs.
Their father doesn’t want me using his name anymore, so I ask you, what is proper etiquette?
Alicia
Alicia, as a matter of etiquette, it doesn’t matter.
The real issue is your husband’s attitude. He is trying to hurt you, but he has no legal say in the matter. It is not his name you carry, but your name and your children’s name.
If you wish to keep your present name, explain to him that it would be a burden on the children to explain why their mother has a different last name. When you explain you are acting for the sake of the children, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of July 24, 2000)
It Happens
I went to kiss a former business associate goodbye after meeting him for dinner. We are both married, and I accidentally kissed him on the lips, creating a consensual “goodnight kiss.” He is retired and I need to call him for a reference, but now I am embarrassed. What should I do?
Roseanne
Roseanne, I can absolutely picture you doing that. Being in proximity to another man, with just the right amount of distraction, in a familiar posture, you kiss him as you would kiss your husband. Oh, no!
He knows you didn’t mean the kiss, and you know you didn’t. This is no different from walking out of the ladies room with your skirt tucked into your pantyhose. It’s awfully embarrassing, but it won’t kill you. The sooner you let go of it and laugh it off, the better. In a businesslike way, ask him for the reference you need.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of December 25, 2000)
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