My Life
My sister is 45 and having an affair with an old boyfriend from her youth. She says she loves him, he loves her, and they wish to pursue a life together. They are both married, though he is separated. My sister has a wonderful husband who is devoted to her even after discovering the affair.
Our families are close, and we are in shock at this heartbreaking news. I believe my sister is going through a midlife crisis. Her husband is still willing to save the marriage, but he is tired of her obsession with this other man.
My sister has three children, the youngest in his late teens. She quit college when she discovered she was pregnant and got married at age 20. Her husband finished his education, while my sister worked to support them. They were on the verge of financial security when she met up with her old boyfriend.
One thing led to another. Now she and her husband will probably divorce. When all this started, she saw a counselor. She said the counselor commented her affair sounded like "a love story." I'm sure my sister told this professional only what she wanted and left out how she and her husband raised three wonderful children.
Our whole family is distraught. We cannot figure out what went wrong. I am angry. We love our brother-in-law so much and are concerned about him and the children. She says they are doing fine and will get over it in a few years.
My sister mentioned recently she "had to get married." I believe she is using that as a tool to rationalize what she has done. I feel I am standing back and watching her make the worst mistake of her life. How do I persuade my sister to seek professional help to guide her through this life-changing decision?
Jocelyn
Jocelyn, why can't you accept that your sister got married because she was pregnant? Why is that not the truth of how she ended up married? How many women have slept with a man they didn't love and wound up pregnant?
Your sister is finally owning up to the truth. She got married because of a child. Now that the children are grown, she feels free to leave the marriage. In her mind, having a child trapped her, and the age of the children is now setting her free.
You love your brother-in-law. But the reality in your mind is not the reality in your sister's mind. And counseling? Bah! Your sister went to a counselor to get the answer she wanted to hear, and now you want her to go to a counselor to get the answer you want to hear.
People make up their mind to divorce or not to divorce from within their own breast. Perhaps it was your parents' choice that she married. You wish it to be your choice she doesn't divorce. Perhaps she is finally making her own choice.
Will you still love your sister even though she makes decisions you don't approve of? At what point in life do we get to make our own decisions?
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of October 11, 2004)
The Swimming Pool
My wife and I separated, and she has found her happiness away from the marriage. I was happy in the marriage.
Last conversation, she admitted she was never happy during our 12 years together. She won’t discuss why she stuck it out other than to say, “I’m a bitch. What can I say?”
I have both good and bad memories from those 12 years, and now I feel I don’t know how to cope with them. If I thought it was good and she thought it was bad, how do I remember our time together? How do I get rid of those memories?
I am in the second month of a yearlong wait for a divorce, and I am struggling with being alone. I feel like a fool for being tricked all these years. At this point I don’t see myself ever trying another relationship, but I am so lonely each day is 100 hours long.
I haven’t found a way to reinvent myself into a social creature who makes friends. Do you have any suggestions?
Luke
Luke, your wife married you with a list of reasons she thought added up to love. It was only a matter of time before her list failed her, and she told you the truth. Don’t bash yourself over this. Her secrets don’t change your memories.
When you leave a child’s plastic swimming pool in one place too long, it squashes the grass. When you finally move the pool, the grass below is yellow, damp, and sparse.
But once the pool is moved, the sun shines on the grass, the air flows over the grass, and the rain waters the grass. In time the grass lifts toward the sun and becomes lush and green. You are like the grass under the pool. In time you will grow once again.
Start with the basics. If you can’t remember or figure out what makes you feel good, what you are interested in, then you need to reconnect with yourself. Perhaps for now, all you can see is that one thing feels a little better (or maybe not quite as bad) as something else. Always pick the better over the worse.
Choose what seems like the better course for yourself. Eventually following the path of greater awareness will get you where you want to go and give you the happiness you deserve.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of September 27, 1999)
Following Through
My final divorce papers sit in front of me waiting for my signature. In fact, they've been sitting on my desk for five days now. It took me two days to even open the envelope and another full day to look at the actual documents. I still haven't entirely read through them. I cannot bring myself to sign.
Eight months ago, after months of emotional turmoil, we both agreed a divorce would be in our best interest. I was relieved at the time. I was tired of him drinking every night until he passed out on the sofa. I was tired of feeling belittled. I never quite healed from the affair I found out about, and I know there were others.
We were married eight years. I never felt I was his partner in life. I felt I was just another piece of furniture. We have two beautiful little boys who adore their daddy. They were a big reason for wanting this divorce. I didn't want them growing up thinking drinking on a daily basis is normal.
For years I wanted counseling. I would plead, "Let's go before our problems get out of control!" He insisted we didn't have anything we couldn't handle. By the time we made it to counseling it was too late. Besides, he refused to say he had an addiction.
I tell myself if he truly reaches out for help and remains changed for a year after our divorce, maybe we could try with a fresh start.
I heard a preacher say, "Fidelity is more than sexual fidelity. It is when every decision you make during the day is the best one for yourself, your spouse, and your children." Wayne and Tamara, that's the only relationship I want.
The papers still sit in front of me. How do I know I'm doing the right thing?
Felicity
Felicity, what you are facing is the death of a dream, the dream of what your marriage was supposed to be like.
Faced with the choice of drinking or losing his family, your husband continues to drink. You may have every reason to hope he will change, but you have absolutely no reason to believe he will change.
Boys look to their father to show them how to be a man, and a drunk is someone who has clearly lost the way. Courts and the law have a simple view of the matter. They don't knowingly allow a child to be adopted in a family where one parent is an alcoholic. There are laws against drinking and driving. Perhaps there should be laws against drinking and parenting.
You cannot focus on your husband sobering up. That has always been only under his power, and never under yours. He may be 20 years from admitting his problem. He may never admit it. You can't put your life on hold waiting for someone to do what they may never do.
Tamara says she cannot even shop without having me in her mind. "Everything I lay my eyes upon," she says, "I lay my heart upon where lives my husband." Your mate has to be an enhancement to your life. It cannot be any other way.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of March 24, 2003)
Parting Shots
My husband and I have agreed to divorce, and both of us are still in the family home. He is a retired government attorney. I am a real estate agent.
Like all real estate agents, my income is very hit or miss. We have his pension and our property investment coming in on a monthly basis. I don't trust my husband to be up front about all our assets. He incorporated with partners, and he's always kept our real estate investments and business very much to himself.
I am sure you have heard all this before, but I would like not to be in the poor house when this is over. Just fair would be the best.
Charlotte
Charlotte, when you deal with other people, it's best to act in accordance with who they are. If you are dealing with a kind person who always thinks of others, you act one way. If you are dealing with someone selfish and secretive, you act another. It doesn't matter that you once shared a bed.
In olden days a man-of-war would fire a shot across the bow of another ship as a signal to stop, so they could have a chat. There is no reason why your divorce should be acrimonious, but you need a lawyer to represent your best interests. He can fire a shot across your husband's bow, so the two of them can stop for a chat.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of March 17, 2003)
Shifting Gears
My husband asked me for a divorce a few months ago. Previously he had not communicated all the little things that bothered him. He says he feels he has always come second in my life, second to my friends and to my constant yearning for
learning and growth.
He held all this in for over a year. He is sorry he didn't tell me, but he feels the only solution is divorce.
We have seen a counselor together four times. I still love him very much, and all this has hit me like a ton of bricks. I am so confused about what to do next. I am a "make it happen" person who hates to be unsettled, so I am having a difficult time.
A few weeks ago I told him, if he wants a divorce, go file.
We both consider each other best friends, but I cannot live with this constant roller coaster of feelings. We mutually decided it would be best if he moved out. He left 10 days ago to live with his brother. Even though this has been difficult for me, I still do not regret this decision.
We are seeing each other in therapy and going out occasionally for dinner or a movie. I asked him how the first week away was, and he told me he is in limbo.
I am sure you have experience with similar situations. Do you have any advice for me?
Blair
Blair, your husband says he is in limbo. Limbo is a place where there is no pain, no suffering, and no regrets. He is more accustomed to the idea of divorce than you. He is
beyond some of the pain you now feel.
The image that comes to mind is this. You two are changing gears. You are not in one gear and not in another, but you both know you are going to the next gear. Neither of you is seriously stepping on the brakes. You both know there is a truth behind this breakup.
Now you are going down the checklist. Think about divorce. Bring up the subject. Get the counseling. Move out. File. Determine what the relationship will be in the future.
You thought you were best friends, but for over a year he withheld his feelings. These feelings may have been there from the beginning. Perhaps now, with honesty, you can end this relationship as friends.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of October 4, 1999)
Once The Fuse Is Lit
I’m afraid to ask for your opinion, but even more afraid not to ask. I desperately need an outside perspective on my situation.
My wife and I dated all through college. I was her first serious boyfriend. The summer before her senior year, I gave Tisha an engagement ring, and we moved in together. I had just graduated with an engineering degree and landed a fantastic job. The next summer we married.
As the wedding day grew closer, Tisha started having doubts about marriage. Nothing specific, just vague feelings. We talked to her dad, my parents, and even some of our friends. We went through the pre-marital counseling required by our church. In the end, she decided she was sure about getting married, and we wrote her feelings off to wedding day jitters.
The honeymoon was incredible, and we had the time of our lives. After we came home, Tisha accepted a position with the company she interned with the summer before. She loves her job and goes out with the gang from work a couple of nights a week, usually eating dinner before coming home.
As I look back on it, after the honeymoon things started going downhill. Tisha was often moody or distant, and I sometimes had the feeling she was just putting up with me. Three months ago, after an especially bad week, I suggested more counseling. I think I stunned her. She said yes before she had time to think, but the counseling seemed to help.
A month ago she stunned me. I suggested we go house hunting. She blurted out, “I don’t want a house. I’m not even sure I want to be married. All I’ve ever done is go to college, and now I’m married already.”
In what turned out to be our final counseling session, Tisha said she wondered what it would be like to date other men. When I asked her where that was coming from, she admitted she has feelings for one of the guys at work. She’s had these feelings since the summer she interned there, which was the summer before we married.
Now, she says, she has decisions to make. That was two weeks ago. She has hardly spoken to me since.
I’m at the end of my rope. Where is this going to wind up?
Tony
Tony, you have been sitting on a powder keg since Tisha expressed doubts about your impending marriage. Everything since has only delayed the explosion. It would have been better if the blast occurred before the wedding.
Why didn’t it? Because she didn’t tell you the truth. Since you didn’t know the truth, no amount of discussion between you could solve the problem.
Tisha suppressed her doubts long enough to get married, but that ended after the honeymoon. She is already separating herself from you. She wants a life of her own, and she wants to date other men, especially one other man. Until she acts on those feelings, they will not go away.
A few years ago I read a book by Brad Lewis called Assault On Lake Casitas. Brad Lewis won an Olympic gold medal in rowing in the Eighties. One of the most important lessons he learned in life, he says, was while he had a job as a roofer. When he had gained some experience, his friend and mentor let Brad frame a roof on his own. It took Brad several days, and the roof ended up cockeyed.
Brad expected his mentor to show him a quick fix, but when his friend arrived, he took a hammer to the roof. In ten minutes he knocked down every board Brad spent days putting up. It was a tough lesson to learn, but you can spend your whole life trying to turn a wrong into a right.
Tony, that is where you are right now.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of May 31, 1999)
His Best Excuse
My husband and I are in counseling, but I feel better talking to someone else about my problem. You sound very down to earth. Can you help me?
I am a few years older than my husband. This is a second marriage for both of us and we have been married 10 years. My two children are almost grown, and his daughter is a teenager who spends every other weekend with us.
Our step situation has been rocky. My husband gave up on being a parent to my children years ago, though they are basically great kids. He has also had an affair.
He knew when he married me that I couldn’t have any more children because I had a partial hysterectomy when my youngest was a baby. In the past several years it has hit him hard that he wants more children of his own. I tried hard to get him to think about adoption. I would love to raise a child together with him with no other parent involved.
How can I get my husband to think about adopting more seriously? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I can’t imagine going through another divorce.
Lisa
Lisa, your husband has fathered one child and passed on the opportunity to parent two others. Now he claims he wants the one thing he has always known you can’t give him, another child. He is not talking about an unfulfilled dream of his or an opportunity he never had. He has had both.
Like any good magician, he is using misdirection to divert your attention from the real issue. That issue is the same issue which presented itself when he cheated. He thinks he wants another woman, and he thinks he has found a way to get out of your marriage without saying it.
Saying he wants more biological children sounds almost plausible. But what matters most to him is that this well-crafted excuse lets him off the hook and puts the blame on you.
As long as you give credence to his excuse you are playing into his hands. He has things so well set up that divorce seems like the only possible and logical solution to the problem. You need to call him on it. You need to take away his excuse because it is not only unsolvable, it is untrue.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of August 2, 1999)
One Woman's Trash
My husband and I have been married 18 years. We had a wonderful life together and raised an extraordinary daughter, who just turned 17. About a year ago I began feeling we simply coexisted.
I must say I greatly admire and respect my husband--he's been an honest and upstanding person…no abuse or neglect issues. But when we spoke awhile back about our just plodding along, my husband said he didn't think he could change if we saw a counselor.
Within a month I resolved if he wouldn't change or seek counseling, what, then, was the point--our marriage was over. I asked for a divorce. Shortly thereafter my husband moved out. We both expressed how much we love each other and how painful this is. We've cried, embraced, and supported each other.
My problem is this: as soon as he moved out I realized I made a horrible mistake. There are days I feel I simply can't exist without my husband, and I'm having difficulty dealing with the profound grief of losing my life partner. I believe if pride could be set aside, we could work this out.
The other problem is: within two weeks of moving out (and two days after he said, "I'll always love you") my husband began an affair with a friend he's known for years. He is deeply religious and vehemently opposed to adultery. I am completely floored. We are not even legally separated.
When I confronted him, he easily admitted his infidelity saying how lonely he was. I feel he may have been so hurt he struck out in the one way he knew would hurt me most. I can overcome his infidelity because I love him so dearly, and I want us to see a counselor together. Is it worth the fight to ensure we've made the right choice?
Doris
Doris, a friend of ours knew a young man who often said, "Women and cigarettes will be the death of me." He was exactly right. Two days after his 21st birthday, he was crossing the street to buy a pack of cigarettes. A drunk driver--a woman--hurtled into him with her car. He was dead at the scene.
Sometimes we get what we ask for. You want to reconcile, but what is he thinking? "I'm not unfaithful. You released me from our promise." Another woman saw a treasure where you saw trash. What counseling does he need? You chose the future; now you bear the consequences.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of August 15, 2005)
