With Aplomb
My story is long, but to make it short, I am in the process of grey divorce. My marriage lasted 30 years, with three adult children I adore. To start with, there are many differences between my husband and me, culturewise and educationwise. But I helped him finish his college education while working on my master’s and Ph.D. degrees.
I helped him establish his own business. Slowly and with my support the business grew. He became famous here. Four years ago he went to a conference outside the country and came back changed. One day I caught him e-mailing a girl there and asked him about her. He said, “Don’t worry. She is younger than our daughter.”
Well, somehow I believed him. I discovered nearly four years ago he married her. I was devastated, so I asked him to leave the house and I asked for a divorce. I can’t stand seeing his face. Ever since my life has changed. I am no longer the woman I used to be. I am still teaching in the university, but I lost that zest for life.
His wife is expecting a baby this summer, and we are not happy about it. My children and I are worried this woman will give us trouble in regard to our business. After all, she didn’t marry a man her father’s age out of love. I managed to change the ownership of the business to five equal shares. If my ex chooses to give her and her child anything, it has to be his share.
How can I deal with the stigma of divorce? So far I am avoiding socializing as much as possible because I am not looking for sympathy from anyone. I attended some counseling meetings which helped me, but what shall I do when I am alone? I am now 63, and this is terrifying me.
Nadia
Nadia, everything bad thrives in secrecy. Abuse, addiction, torture, betrayal, embezzlement . . . bigamy. You have nothing to hide. Hiding from the world might make people think you did something wrong, when he did. Most people, though, will feel, I hope nothing like that happens to me. And for those in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love them, it will make them very nervous.
You aren’t alone. You will always have your children, and your husband has damaged his relationship with them. The best thing you can do for the sake of your children is finish this off.
There is only one way to live life, and that is to look reality square in the face every day. You have two choices. You can bury these events in your mind, tell social lies to others, and hide out in your home, or you can commit to living each day with passion. If you do the former, you will get nervous tics and twitches, and a tummy that always acts up. If you do the latter, you will regain the zest for life you had as a small child newly arrived on the planet.
Divorce is a stigma only to the extent you allow it to be. Another woman might take these events and turn them into a hilarious story she tells at parties. There is no stigma attached to things which are beyond our control, and there is no stigma attached to us from the decisions of another.
So it is time to begin again. All the possibilities of life are before you. You have more financial freedom than most. The only things which can hold you back are between your ears. By all means, if you feel counseling is useful, then find a good counselor.
And never forget one lesson about your husband. You cannot trust him. Deal with him from a position of legal strength. Some people are entitled to the benefit of the doubt. He is not.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of June 18, 2007)
Tailored Fit
I am separated from my wife of eight years. Basically she had an affair and moved out. I’ve started a new life for myself, and I have a love for life I haven’t felt in years.
I have been going to counseling so I wouldn’t carry baggage from my first marriage into future relationships. My counselor told me to wait two years from the time of my divorce before getting into a serious relationship again. I asked why, and she said I might use a new relationship to avoid pain, or make the same wrong choices that led to my first marriage.
But she hasn’t given me a reason why it must be two years. I don’t intend to date until the divorce is final. I know I need to end this relationship before starting another, but I have a real problem with the “one size fits all” philosophy.
Scott
Scott, you are right to be suspicious of one size fits all. It makes as much sense as saying: The average Australian makes x dollars, you are an Australian, therefore you make x dollars. You can’t wrap your mind around it. Common sense won’t let you.
The “two year rule” has been around for at least 40 years, and we have never seen empirical evidence to support it. Some people coming out of long dead marriages are ready to date immediately. Other people aren’t ready or capable of being successfully involved even a decade later.
Become a student of great relationships. Look for those couples who have a strong connection to each other. Form a model in your head. This is what you are looking for. Don’t settle for less.
Also, study those relationships which fall short of what you want. What do you know about your relationship you wouldn’t admit to anyone else? Before her infidelity, something was wrong. What was it? What are others doing and accepting that you don’t want next time.
When should you start dating again? When you, not anyone else, feels it is right.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of October 23, 2000)
Her Next Husband
I am a woman who has married not once, not twice, but four times. I filed for all four divorces. The first time I was young and pregnant and it lasted a year.
Number two lasted 18 years. I thought I needed more attention from a hardworking, family-oriented man who was often out of town, leaving me sleeping single in a married bed. After 17 years of marriage I had my first affair, which I continued in a hardhearted way until I left him.
Third time around was to my affair, a salesman who visibly adored all women but professed to love only me. It was a roller coaster life of marital insecurity. I left him seven times in 10 years, but each time he coaxed me back by making me feel I couldn't live without him.
Marriage number four lasted six months. I won't even go there about this marriage except to say it was based on total stupidity on my part. I've now been single for two years, a record for me!
Recently I have found myself drawn to a man who has entered my heart like no other. He is a very God-loving individual, yet I sense a despair in myself that is hard to explain. Four failed marriages don't warrant my credibility. How do I know what is real and lasting? How do you explain my attraction to such different personalities?
Ava
Ava, there's a difference between accepting any open job and accepting the job that's right for you. For years you have been attracted to whoever is attracted to you. If any of these men was the "right job," you wouldn't have quit.
Some people say, "Love is blind." It isn't true. Want is blind. Want is also deaf and dumb. When you close your eyes to the reality before you, when you fail to face the truth, you act from want, and the want to get married won't keep you married.
Take a quiet moment to acknowledge what you really feel. Act from that quiet place, that place of knowing and total self-honesty. From that place you will know if what you feel is a fantasy. From that place you will know if you are ignoring the litany of things wrong about the other person.
Love is always an addition, an enhancement, an improvement to your life. When negative emotions crop up, it's a sign of something else. It's a sign you are about to act because you need the job, not because it's the job you love.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of March 26, 2001)
