Alternative Lifestyle
Until recently I was in a relationship. I'm 24 and bisexual, whereas she is 21 and doesn't know who she is yet. We love each other and are good friends. She broke off our relationship because I'm bisexual and didn't tell her until she asked a couple of months into our relationship. Also she wanted to find herself and learn to love herself.
I want to be with her. She says she wants space, and the first thing I do is complain. When I give her some space, somehow we end up talking or seeing each other. This most often happens with her calling or texting, yet she tells me nothing has changed. We had talked about children, marriage, and the rest of our lives. I am trapped in hope.
Byron
Byron, your sexuality is so undefined you don't know if you have a preference for males or females. What is a woman supposed to do with that? How does a person with a preference understand a person with no preference? It's like not having a favorite color, not having favorite music, not having favorite foods. If you don't know what you want, how can she be sure what you want? That's her problem.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of July 18, 2005)
Diminished Capacity
Last month my boyfriend of eight years and I hosted a New Year's Eve party. After I was completely and utterly drunk, my boyfriend and best friend took me into the bedroom with plans to have a threesome. We discussed this before but not thoroughly.
My somewhat sober boyfriend had sex with her. Apparently (I don't remember much) I approved. Now I am heartbroken. Everything that was so special between us is gone. I look at him with disgust because of the things they did. I am so ashamed this happened. I don't know if I'll ever get over this.
Audra
Audra, we get more letters about sexual jealousy than about any other topic. This is the most intimate act you can do with another person. Most people cannot tolerate even the suggestion there is someone else in their partner's life.
The third, fourth, fifth, or sixteenth person in an intimate relationship dilutes and devalues the relationship. When the relationship is no longer mutually exclusive, the boundaries are lost, and usually, so is the relationship.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of January 26, 2004)
The Wedding Night
I am a 28-year-old Asian woman, well educated and professionally employed. My upbringing has been more Korean than American, and perhaps for this reason I am having a hard time getting into the dating scene.
I am attracted to men, but I have never had a romantic date. I had one kiss from a Korean man after we danced (he had too much to drink), and one hug from an Anglo male (which I liked).
I want to marry and have a family, but I don't want to have sex before marriage. For this reason I'm afraid to get started in a romantic relationship, and unsure how to let a man know I am interested.
Sook
Sook, you are putting the cart before the horse. You have been stopping yourself from dating because you think dating is synonymous with having sex. It isn't.
Dating is the process of two people getting to know each other. They continue forward as long as it feels right. They stop when it feels wrong.
There is no reason to apologize for what you know is right for you. You want to marry and make love to your husband. Your feelings on this subject let men know who you are. Your feelings will prevent you from becoming involved with the wrong man.
Trust your feelings and trust yourself. For the right man, you will be exactly what he is looking for.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of October 4, 1999)
Clash Of Values
I need some advice. I’ve gone on a couple of dates with this girl I met online, and we hit it off pretty well. I like her, she likes me, and we share the same interests. But after our last date the subject of sex came up, and she said she’s saving herself for marriage.
That threw me because I’m attracted to her and hoped our relationship would eventually reach that level, though I don’t feel ready for the responsibility of marriage. I don’t want to push her into anything, but I’m scared of being in a relationship where my values clash with hers. If I’m having second thoughts like this, does it mean we’re not right for each other?
Rex
Rex, do I understand your value correctly? You get to have sex with women you have no intention of marrying. What goes on south of your belt buckle is not a value; it’s a goal. Her desire to be chaste until marriage is more than a goal; it’s a value.
You are willing to take everything she has to offer, but what are you offering her? Nothing. So what is left for the man who is willing to marry her? If you have nothing to give her, direct your attentions elsewhere. You’ve come across a woman who prizes herself above your urges.
A motto of the1960s was “Ass, gas, or grass. Nobody rides for free.” In other words, if you want a lift, pay the price. Life is a balance. This interaction isn’t scot-free. For a woman, the activity you seek ends up on her sexual resume and on her conscience, and for a carefree man, it can end up on his balance sheet and in his medical history.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of January 15, 2007)
