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         Dating Again

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Starting To Date Again

Flight Delay

It took me eight years after my husband died to try a relationship, and now I am thinking maybe I should never have tried.

Over a year ago I met Jay.  I always felt we had the perfect relationship.  We like the same things, have the same type personality, and talked things through when there was a misunderstanding.  A few days ago Jay came over, and after dinner he said he doesn't want to see me anymore.

The next day he left a phone message saying he knows we have a relationship most people spend a lifetime searching for.  He said he loves me and still wants me in his life, but to think of this as a break from each other and not a breakup. 

I spent the last week crying and upset.  Do I sit around and wait for him to call, and if he does, start the relationship over?  Does this mean every time there is a difficult situation in his life he will push me out of it?  Is there a chance there is more to this than he is saying?

Caitlin

Caitlin, a relationship people spend a lifetime searching for is not a relationship one walks away from without giving a reason.  Jay broke up with you in a way which makes it easy on himself and hard on you.  Then he put you in a holding pattern while leaving all his options open.

As I waited for Tamara outside a shop today, I thought I saw a few falling leaves.  Then I realized they were not leaves, but Monarch butterflies. The Monarchs' flight is a bit erratic anyway, and the wind blew them around like leaves. 

These butterflies are on their long migration from Canada to central Mexico.  The Monarchs know when it is time for their journey to begin, and that is why you started dating again.  It was time.  Like the Monarchs, your flight may be a little erratic before you reach your true destination.  Jay was just a little turbulence along the way.

Wayne
(The best of relationship advice from Direct Answers.)

 

Dating Principles

I'm 42, divorced from my husband of 20 years.  The dating scene has changed so much I feel as if I am back in high school trying to figure out the difference between games and reality.

I'm an assistant principal and needed to talk with a principal from out of state concerning a new student.  During our telephone conversations, we found out we are both single, the same age.  We exchanged emails, and he suggested exchanging pictures.  I sent mine, and the email stopped.  I know what that sounds like.  He didn't like what he saw. 

I'm a nice looking woman and take care of myself.  I feel so vulnerable and innocent at times.  My husband was the only man in my life from college until last year, so I am not very experienced.  My questions are simple.  How do I know if a man is really interested, or just out for a fun time?  When does a man feel a woman is too pushy? 

Rebecca

Rebecca, the quickest way to find out if a man is just looking for a fun time is not to give him one.  This doesn't mean you can't be a pleasant date or a good conversationalist, it means just leave it there.  Let a man get to know you.  If he keeps coming back, the interest is in you. 

Thinking about why this man hasn't emailed is absolute speculation.  It can range from you look like the woman who broke his heart to, at second thought, a long distance relationship is too much trouble.  Don't let "no" prevent you from going forward, presenting yourself with absolute honesty.

There is no more powerful appeal than honesty.  Honesty is only perceived as pushiness when the other person doesn't want what you want.  "Pushy" is just a negative word for that.

Wayne & Tamara
(The best of relationship advice from Direct Answers.)

 

The Banquet Of Life

I’m divorced, from an abusive marriage, for almost 10 years.  I’ve only dated one guy seriously since then, mainly because I have a problem trusting.

About two years ago I started talking with a person at work, male, who works for one of our suppliers.  I’m on the shy side and wouldn’t even commit to having dinner with him, mainly out of fear of being used.  You know…have dinner, get to know each other, in time end up sleeping with him, then he tells my workmates.

Anyway, I finally agreed to coffee.  Coffee turned into three hours of conversation.  Maybe I was just enjoying flattery, but I truly think what he said came from the heart.  He wanted to be completely up front about his home situation.  He is divorced but still living with his ex-wife and two kids.  When she got into bad financial trouble three years ago, he took them back in.

He assures me there is nothing between him and the ex, but he can’t abandon his kids until they are grown.  I can only applaud him for this.  I know his ex-wife will struggle to maintain her life style—new car to drive, no money worries, etc.

I would rather wait than know it can never be.  Is it silly of me to think there might be a chance a few years down the road?

Tasha

Tasha, when someone says they want to be up front with you, it’s code for “if you proceed, you accept things as they are.” 

However much he would like to finesse the facts, your friend is a man living with his wife and kids as a family unit.  He wants you to believe you are both innocents here, and his ex-wife is the villain.  But he has had more than enough time to disentangle himself from her.

We don’t agree that you should sit on the sidelines and wait for him.  You need to feast at the banquet of life, not stand outside, nose pressed against the window.  If you wait, there may not even be table scraps left for you. 

No one has said you can’t find the man for you.  You need only the courage to step inside and take your place at the table. 

Wayne & Tamara
(The best of relationship advice from Direct Answers.)

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