Calling Her Bluff
I've been with my boyfriend for four years, and he is going through the longest divorce known to man. His soon-to-be ex knows of me and told him she is insanely jealous. She makes my life complete hell by e-mailing him sexual innuendoes, asking him for expensive gifts, and calling him an average of 12 times a day.
I told him to cut the cord. If he wants to be with me, he has to protect me, be true to me, and make me feel secure in this relationship. We even tried counseling a few years back, and then he cheated on me with her. Many times I told him to get on with this divorce or I would be gone, but it doesn't seem to scare him anymore.
How do I get my point across to this man, and do I have any grounds to tell this woman to leave him alone and just tend to her children?
Paige
Paige, the one thing which may set you free is to look on this situation from a different point of view. He didn't cheat on you with her. She's his wife. He's cheating on her with you. You describe her as his soon-to-be ex, but "soon-to-be ex" is a term more likely to describe your future, not hers.
You threaten and threaten to leave, and you never do. Bluffing in poker may be good strategy, but bluffing in life is weak. Once your bluff is called, you've lost all power and all credibility. And counseling? Think about how funny that is. You went for relationship counseling with a man in a marriage to another woman.
Why do you keep plodding forward? Because you want to be married. There is nothing wrong with that. But you cannot marry someone who is already married. There is a simple solution. Don't give up wanting to be married, just give up married men.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of November 22, 2004)
Lesson Learned
I was involved with a man separated from his wife. We connected on an extremely emotional level and were in the process of building a future.
His wife left him and their two children to accept a job in another state and to experience a more unencumbered life. Prior to leaving she cheated on him three times and was emotionally and physically unavailable to her children.
Unfortunately I let myself get drawn into his life and his children's lives. I not only fell in love with him but also with the children. I was devastated when he accepted her back with no questions asked, but I accept responsibility for getting involved and for the consequences of my actions.
At the death of a loved one, when her family needed her most, she again abandoned her husband and children. As I predicted. He contacted me to let me know I was right. As much as I hoped that would bring satisfaction, it didn't. It brought only deep sadness.
There is nothing I can do to make him see her for who she is. How do I find peace knowing this cycle of coming and going will continue in his life? I want what is best for all of them. I know walking away is best for me, and I guess I am looking for confirmation from an objective outside source.
Tia
Tia, in "A Christmas Carol" by Charles Dickens, three ghosts come to Ebenezer Scrooge and alter the course of his life. For you, the ghost was your companion's wife.
There is a line Scrooge says which we have never forgotten. "Men's courses will foreshadow certain ends, to which, if persevered in, they must lead. But if the courses be departed from, the ends will change.'' That is what the story is about. It is also the story of our lives.
With the holidays approaching, it will be hard for you not to think about what might have been. But with the holidays approaching, his wife may well reappear. Even if she doesn't, her specter will never be far off, and he will be open to her return.
Hard as it is to walk away, it shows you understand the lesson from Dickens' tale. Walking away opens the door to possibilities. It opens the door to your fulfillment and to the promise of the new year.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of December 9, 2002)
Second Fiddle
I have been seeing a married man for the past nine months. He is unhappy but says he is not ready to leave his kids. They have a teenage daughter and a grown son, who is hers from a previous marriage. He is close to them and has a lovely home, which he worked hard for.
We pulled away from each other because we both felt guilty. However, we are still very close as we work on an oil rig in the North Sea and cannot help being around each other for great lengths of time. We feel we are soul mates.
Now he's found out his wife is having an affair with a man while he is offshore. She is unaware of me, and she is unaware he knows about her infidelity. I care so much about this man I felt his pain when he first found out. I want to support him through this. I don't want to be a destructive force that will be the catalyst to divorce.
I do believe in fate and hope the best situation arises.
Maya
Maya, if a conductor is hiring violinists and he knows one will only take first chair, she will get first chair. If first chair is already occupied, the conductor is hiring a second chair. If the conductor knows a violinist is willing to take second chair, why would he give her first?
You both know you are doing something which is in its essence wrong. He says you are his soul mate, but he chooses an unhappy marriage over you. He is willing to lose you. If he is willing to lose you, he doesn't love you. If he loved you, losing you would be the one thing he would be unwilling to do.
Hannibal Lecter said, "What do we covet? We covet what we see." Why did this man become involved with you? Because his opportunities were limited, and we covet what we see. But what role can he offer you except the role of helpful mistress?
If a relationship is not monogamous and leading to marriage, it is of no benefit to a woman at all.
Trust issues predominate in this situation. Until one or all of you decide to do what is right, nothing good will come of this. You are a single, available, unmarried woman. That is the basis from which you must proceed. Leave these two alone to deal with their mutual infidelity.
Ayn Rand said we are free to make the wrong choice, but not to succeed with it. The only path to your happiness will come from making right choices. You need to be in an open and honest relationship, with someone who is free to be involved with you.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for October 25, 2004)
Mistress's Woes
I'm 27. I've been seeing a married man for three years. I am madly in love and cannot imagine losing him even though I don't have him all to myself now. Every time I've had enough of this tortured relationship and am ready to leave, something happens to keep us closely involved. It is strange.
He's been married 10 years and promising to leave his wife for the last year. Well, about three months ago she found out about us and threatened to call me out at work. Yes, we work together too. There is no company policy about this, but I imagine she could still cause problems.
Six weeks ago she called and asked me to please give her the chance to repair her marriage by stepping out of the way. I agreed. A week later, after they went to counseling, he told me his wife accepted that their relationship was dead. They started to split their assets and find her a house.
He tells me all the time how much he loves me, and how he wants to make me smile every day. He goes out of his way to please me whenever I get upset about the situation. He even says if I left now he would search the planet until he found me.
To get to the point, they are still in their house. Last night, after spending the week with me, his wife called and informed me they had sex last Sunday before he came to my house. He did not deny it. That makes me physically ill. He said they were boxing things up, and she kept bringing out old keepsakes and pictures from their past and he was "drunk and sentimental."
He apologized profusely and is trying to move out of the house by the end of the week in hopes of not losing me. I am confused and hurt. I don't know whether I can ever trust this relationship.
Alexa
Alexa, while you were having an affair with this man, you pushed unpleasant thoughts aside. His wife was a louse, unworthy of a faithful husband. Or so you thought. Your mind wouldn't go to: last night he had sex with her, this afternoon he's having sex with me.
For three years he's been intimate with two women. One was at home making food, going to the grocery store, and picking up his underwear. The other woman was you. Now his wife has played her trump card. She's his wife. She isn't doing anything wrong by having sex with him. Maybe she's trying to win him back, or maybe she's simply trying to rain on your parade. Either way it works for her.
What do you fear? You will be making food for him, going to the grocery store, and picking up his underwear, and he will be telling another woman he would search the world over to find her. What you fear is not retribution for what you did. What you fear is the recognition of his true nature.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of August 1, 2005)
A Family Man
Though I expect no sympathy, I am looking for advice. I am a single woman involved with a married man. I love him and want a full relationship with him, but he has children he does not want to leave in the near future.
His wife is aware of our relationship and is not leaving him. What do I do? I want him and he claims to love me, but “it’s the children.”
Ursula
Ursula, he has a home. He has children. He has a wife. And he has a lover. Why would he want to change things? He doesn’t need to.
What do you have? You have a married man who makes time for you when it is convenient for him. You don’t want our sympathy, but you have it. You have found a way to make yourself miserable.
Staying for the sake of the children allows him to appear noble when he is anything but. You won't be happy until you find the courage to free yourself for a man who actually wants you.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of November 20, 2000)
Eyes Wide Open
I worked with a gentleman for 10 years. During this entire time, we were just good friends. After my divorce I learned the feelings between us were more than friendship. He was still married, but unhappy and wanting to get out.
In the beginning, the space between us was good for the simple fact I needed space after a divorce. He promised we would be together after his son graduated. Then it was one excuse after another. I was understanding at first, but now it is becoming more than I can bear.
I love this man with all my heart. He's a good friend, good lover, wonderful with my children, and my soul mate. He loves me the same, but he can't seem to get his stuff together to move out.
I don't want to move on with my life without him, but on the other hand, I'm tired of getting hurt, being the good person, and taking it all in stride. What should I do to get him to open his eyes and see what he's missing?
Deedee
Deedee, it's an uneasy and precarious position you are in. Uneasy because you've experienced the feelings divorce causes, and you are enough involved in another woman's marriage to cause divorce. It is precarious because you can't know the truth of his feelings for you.
He may have been a "gentleman" for the 10 years you were friends, but after your divorce he became a man who cheats on his wife and makes empty promises to another woman. You want him to open his eyes and see what he's missing. Why not open yours and see what you are missing.
He's not missing anything. He has a wife at home and a mistress on the side. You don't want to move on without him, but he's given you no choice. That is your only choice and what you must do.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of October 22, 2001)
