See also Swinging
Bedroom Treason
Just a note to ask if there are other married women and men who are happy in their marriage and in their affair at the same time? I am fulfilled at home, in the bed and emotionally, with two men meeting my needs.
It would be great if I had found a guy who could satisfy me both emotionally and sexually, but it just didn't happen. My partner is also married and feels the same way. We will never leave our spouses, and they are unaware why we don't hound them for physical intimacy anymore. They are both relieved of the pressure, and there are no more fights or silences.
People stay married for many reasons, and not all problems can be worked out. The four of us are friends, and I sometimes wonder if they would even object. Let's face it. There are those who just do not like sex! I believed in no sex before marriage, and now I know why my guy was okay with that! He is not gay, but just says it's not what it's cracked up to be.
Chastity
Chastity, in one of P.G. Wodehouse's books, Bertie Wooster quotes something Jeeves told him. "There can be no love where there is not perfect trust."
When people learn about a spouse's infidelity, they feel their world has come crashing down. We have never gotten a letter from someone who found out their mate was chronically unfaithful, and they were happy about it. They feel deceived and lied to. There are therapy groups where people talk about D-day, the day they learned of their spouse's infidelity.
You are explaining things to yourself in a way which justifies you and makes your spouse the problem. But go ahead and try to prove your claim. Tell your husband tonight, and encourage your "partner" to tell his wife.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of March 22, 2004)
Kissing The Cobra
I am currently separated from my husband who is having an affair. We've been married four years, and we just bought a condominium. Things were looking hopeful. We've had some challenges, including him not working much while I supported him emotionally and financially.
For the past seven months he's had a steady income, thus we bought the condo. He cruelly announced to me in an unsafe place--at a conference where I had professional commitments--that he loves another woman and would have married her if he hadn't married me. I am heartbroken.
We've been to marriage counseling. I've been in shock, dismay, anger, and terrible grief as I adore my husband and have been faithful to him throughout our marriage. Yet I am not willing to tolerate his behavior, so I filed for divorce.
I found out the condominium we bought is near where this woman lives. My husband wants us to continue and have her in our marriage, too. He calls her his concubine. It's so insane!
I've seen them together, and I go into shock and then extreme anger at this violation. The violation is further increased by the fact she is a doctor of divinity, a minister, and active in a local spiritual community. My husband is a professional, and we both have a spiritual path we follow. I am so confused and sorrowful. I don't even know what to ask, except I keep reading about other couples who overcome infidelity.
Leslie
Leslie, a well-known television executive, now deceased, was famous for his affairs. When he finished with a woman, he would invite her to lunch at a posh restaurant. There, over lobster or foie gras, he would announce the end of their affair. He counted on the public surroundings to control her dismay and anger. This executive's nickname was the "Smiling Cobra."
Your husband is another smiling cobra. Telling you at the conference was a mean-spirited and selfish thing to do. You say you are suffering from emotional numbness, sleep disturbances, and disruption of social functioning. That condition has a name: post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
PTSD happens to people who have suffered life-threatening events like military combat, natural disaster, or violent personal assault. You have suffered a personal assault and a marital disaster. You are proceeding on the correct course. Your husband's desire to keep a "concubine" ended the marriage.
Reach out to helpful people and seek individual counseling from a professional experienced in dealing with traumatic stress.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of January 3, 2005)
