Guilty Mind
My wife worked for her previous employer for 10 years and became friendly with her male boss. Three years ago when the company was being sold, a series of meetings was held out of town with the merging business. During one of these trips she and her boss were alone for three days.
Business travel was nothing new for my wife. Each evening while she was away she would call me and the kids around the dinner hour. Late each night she would call me again to say goodnight. This was a standard you could bet on. During this particular trip she did not call for 30 hours.
Upon her arrival home the kids and I were glad to see her. I casually said, "Gee, no call to me or the kids?" I was dumfounded when she snapped back, "I was sleeping." She does not sleep well when away, even on family vacations, and she never ever sleeps the entire night. I got a terrible gut feeling.
That night a strange thing occurred. Normally she would unpack the next morning. However, this time as I was laying in bed about midnight she decided to unpack. She opened her suitcase, pulled out only her underwear, and placed them in the laundry basket in the bathroom.
When I got up to go to work, they weren't on top of the clothes basket. Thinking it odd, I looked among the dirty clothes until I saw them all tucked tight in the middle of the basket.
From that trip forward she was extremely cold to me. She did not want me to see her nude while dressing or preparing for a shower. She rolled away from me each evening in bed, and her body jumped when the male character on a television show shared the same name as her boss.
This was also the first year I did not get an anniversary card from her. Certainly emotional infidelity took place, and if I were a betting man, I'd say something physical happened as well.
Kieran
Kieran, sometimes behavior falls so cleanly into an archetypal pattern it makes us want to scream. When your wife came home late at night and removed her underwear from her luggage, what could we think of except Shakespeare's "Macbeth."
In that play Lady Macbeth urges her husband to kill Duncan, the previous king, and then in her sleep tries to wash imaginary blood off her hands. "Out damned spot! out, I say." All your wife had to do was go to bed and deal with the laundry in the morning. But her guilty mind would not leave her alone.
Most people with guilty secrets have a problem. They don't know how to act to conceal what they've done. If you watch true crime shows, you often see the same pattern. The person who killed a spouse can't convincingly behave like someone whose spouse was taken from them by a violent act. This is true even when the murderer is a highly intelligent person like a rabbi or a surgeon.
People cannot resist telling you who they are. Even in spite of themselves they cannot resist telling you who they are. You will never know the truth from your wife, except by inference, but inference is a powerful way of knowing and your betting instincts are correct.
Aristotle grouped adultery with deserting a comrade in battle. From a religious standpoint, two of the ten commandments forbid adultery. One says don't do it, and the other says don't even think about it. Our own emotion, jealousy, tells us we can never be satisfied except with someone who loves us exclusively.
It makes sense that your wife didn't want you to see her naked. Aside from possibly hiding physical evidence, she was separating herself from you to be faithful to her new man. Cheaters want fidelity even in their infidelity.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of August 21, 2006)
False Memory
Six months ago, right before our 27th wedding anniversary, I found out from my husband he fathered a child with a woman. The child is now 20. He confessed because I found receipts in his wallet that were child support payments made to the mother. I snooped because I knew he was hiding something and I was desperate to find clues.
This affair happened during a difficult period. We’d been married seven years, and he lost his business. I remember thinking how distant he was, but my religion and faith made me always believe the best about him. Although I knew something was up, I never imagined he’d had an affair. I always chalked his behavior down to depression.
He and the woman signed some sort of agreement whereby he would help her financially, but otherwise would remain anonymous. She kept it that way for years, but around 10 years ago, he says she “blackmailed” him into giving her more money. The receipts in his wallet were payments he made to keep her quiet and not tell me what happened.
He says now the situation made him “come to himself” and break off the relationship. They had only been together maybe three or four times when he broke it off, and a month later she told him of the pregnancy. I’ve met the girl, and there is no doubt my husband is the father!
In his eyes, he’s been “faithful” to me for 20 years. He took a lie detector test, and the results are he is telling the truth. I decided to stay married to him, but I’m struggling with trust. I wonder if he is the man I want to live with.
To his credit, he now seems to have changed many of his ways and attitudes toward the marriage. He is more concerned and attentive. He says he loves me deeply and wishes he had never done this thing. I know no one can read anyone else’s mind, but do you have any advice for me?
Julia
Julia, in Washington Irving’s tale “Rip Van Winkle” a man catches a nap in the woods and wakes up 20 years later. At first surprised to think he slept an entire night, he is stunned when he returns home and realizes he slept through the entire American Revolution. The whole pattern of his memory is called into question.
Exactly like Rip Van Winkle, you have 20 years of catching up to do. Your husband is attentive now, but you suspect the change in his behavior is the difference between you knowing his secret and not knowing. Cheaters often get to stay until the one cheated on gets their mind totally around what happened.
What will dawn on you as time goes on? You will think about the time you wanted a trip, and he said there wasn’t enough money. You will think about the time you felt especially close to him, and wonder if it really happened. You will think about the time he said he didn’t want another child, and know the reason why.
He took all the options for himself and foreclosed all of yours. If you had known the truth, you might have been married to someone else for the past 18 years. It’s hard to give credence to a lie detector test. Though the test is widely used in the US, it has very little scientific standing. In Europe it is regarded on a par with palm reading and astrological charts, and of course, the person paying for the test often gets the results they paid for.
Give yourself time before you decide what to do. A cheater usually seeks immediate forgiveness, which they equate with a pardon. They want a pardon before their partner has a chance to think things over. But like Rip Van Winkle, you need time to adjust your memory to what actually happened.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of March 19, 2007)
Eye On The Ball
I found out in June that my husband was having an affair with another woman. I loved him too much and never expected this. This devastates me. We will be married 10 years this year, and I don't know how to deal with it. I am considering leaving.
Madeline
Madeline, the Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget was a keen observer of children. One of the things which interested him was perspective taking--how we develop the ability to see things from more than one point of view.
In a classic experiment inspired by Piaget's work, a young child is shown a story told with dolls. A boy doll enters a room and hides a ball in a drawer. Then the boy doll leaves the room, and a mother doll enters. She takes the ball from the drawer and puts it under the bed. When the boy doll returns to the room, the story ends.
At this point an experimenter asks the child where the boy doll will look for the ball. A 3-year-old child will say the boy will look for the ball under the bed. Three-year-olds can only see situations from what they themselves know. But a 5-year-old child will say the boy will look for the ball in the drawer, because 5-year-olds realize the boy doesn't know his mother has moved it.
You loved your husband. That was the only way you could view your marriage. You saw life from your own perspective. You loved him completely, and he loved you completely. That is what you thought.
Now you realize that is not the way it was. Your husband had a different point of view. What he said and how he acted around you was calculated to confuse your perspective. As you decide what to do, give full weight to his view of your marriage. You must see the situation as it is, not as you thought it was.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of October 17, 2005)
False Confession
My wife attended night classes with a former work mate and friend. He is really good-looking and so is she. On the last night of class together, I followed them to a bar. After they came out, she gave him a big hug.
They drove down a dark road and parked in a poorly-lit small park. I couldn't see what they were doing, but I can only imagine. Forty-five minutes later, they drove back to where she was parked and hugged. I couldn't tell if they kissed.
When my wife got home, she was very nervous. Later when we were in bed, I asked her if she went out and celebrated. She said no. I asked why she and her friends didn't go to a bar or do something. She said they got out late.
When I asked if our friend was there, she said he had to leave early. Every time I gave her a chance to tell me what she did, she lied and not only lied, but sounded sure about it. After a couple of hours of not being able to sleep, I woke her up. She again denied doing anything.
After a long silence, I told her I knew she was at the bar. She said, "Yes, I forgot, I had one drink and came right home." Finally I told her I knew everything. She would not confess about being in the park until I told her I saw them together. Then she said all they did was talk.
I called our friend the next day and asked him the same questions. He lied. When I told him what I knew, he could hardly talk. My wife said she would call our friend and tell him not to call her anymore. He wasn't supposed to know I was listening, but it sounded like they talked beforehand and got their story straight.
Before this she hardly ever wanted sex, and I had to ask. Now she is all over me. She won't show me her phone records from work or her work cell phone. She says they would be hard to get, but she is the facility coordinator, so she can get just about anything.
I love my wife, but only want the truth. We can work through this if only she will be honest. I guess my question would be if you think they had something going on.
Frank
Frank, you are thinking in terms of holding on to your wife and saving your marriage. You are thinking in those terms because you were not doing anything to end the marriage. But she was.
She is approaching the situation from a totally different direction. She was looking at another relationship, and possibly, her next marriage. Why has she lied? Because if you knew the whole truth, it would not be to her advantage. Whatever happens, she wants to have happen on her timetable, not yours.
If she won't give you phone records, it must be for the same reason. It is not to her advantage. In her mind your truth does not exist, her justifications do. The longer she holds you off, the muddier the details become, and the more power that goes to her hands. You were in the strongest position the night you confronted her.
We know this sounds hard, but what other interpretation is possible from the facts you gave us? She didn't expect to get caught, so she will drag her feet until she figures out what she wants to do. In the meantime, she will act the perfect wife.
When it comes to explaining this to friends, she will give her version of the truth. Your heart needs to catch up to what your head knows. A simple factual account, you will never get from her. Without the truth, you won't be able to solve why this happened.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of March 25, 2002)
Unadulterated Truth
Last night I was going through a bunch of old stuff when I came across a lockbox. I'd never seen it before, and it was locked. There were keys hanging on a hook. I found the key and opened it to find a bunch of love letters to my husband.
They were dated from the late '70s to 1986. We were married in 1987. In it was a picture of a woman. She was black and my husband and I are both white. I was shocked I knew who this woman was. His parents would never have approved. I shut the box and went back to cleaning, only to find another lockbox.
I opened it and found letters and cards from this same woman dated 1987 to 2001. They professed her love for him and the times they spent together. I was devastated. He cheated with her almost our entire married life.
Her husband died three years ago. In her final letter to my husband she wrote she felt used by my husband. She has since remarried and moved to London. I also found cards from another woman dated 2000 to 2004. Either she had an affair with my husband or a large infatuation. I lay awake in bed last night wanting to kill my husband. I am consumed with anger, hate, and disappointment.
I wish nothing but ill for him and his tramps. I don't know what to do. Has he ever loved me? In less than a year our bills will be paid. I don't want a divorce. Do I contact the other woman and let her know I know about her and my husband's affair? Oh, the one with the infatuation? I already took care of her. She runs every time she sees me.
I've been a good wife. I am an attractive woman. What can I do to keep him from cheating again?
Marjorie
Marjorie, you question whether your husband ever loved you, and you don't want a divorce. So what does marriage mean to you? Love? A connection which nothing can break? Or financial security?
Keep your anger focused where it belongs. This man has marital vows with you. None of his women do. You don't know what he said to encourage, hold, and maintain a relationship with them. If his family had approved, he may have married another.
He should feel shame for continuing a relationship with a woman he was not willing to stand up for. That proves his lack of character. That same lack of character allowed him to marry you and continue other relationships. No surprise that there is yet another woman waiting in the wings.
You cannot defend your marriage against every other woman on the planet. The only way you can defend your marriage is by dealing with the man you married. How much easier is it to confront him than to confront all the other women he might come in contact with?
It's him, not other women, you have issues with. If he can cheat on you, while you are attractive and healthy, can you believe he would stay with you when you are ill or disabled?
Just because one person, you, wants this relationship to continue, it does not mean the relationship will continue. Your husband can end the marriage at any time. Whatever financial or emotional control you have over him may be outweighed by another. That's why we say, without fidelity there is no security.
He has cheated on you throughout your marriage. Asking him to stop cheating is like asking the leopard to change its spots.
What is in your best interest? Can you live a lifetime doubting if you have ever been truly loved? The decision is not how to make the leopard change his spots. The decision is whether you give your life over to the leopard.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of September 12, 2005)
Forewarned
I am a divorced female who has been dating a man for over a year. Two months into our relationship he admitted he cheated on all three of his ex-wives. He said he was older and wiser now, and wanted a life partner. I was leery, but his honesty overshadowed my fears.
In the beginning he kept in constant contact with women he’d dated, not telling them he was in a committed relationship. I asked him why, and he said they weren’t important to him so why tell them personal information. When I finally put my foot down, he let them know.
Dealing with his latest ex-wife is another matter. He owns a pawnshop, but her name is still on the loan. He hired her to work over the Christmas season, and she said she didn’t want me in their store. My boyfriend’s female assistant is a close friend with this ex-wife, and she tells her everything about our relationship.
Now the assistant has started making inappropriate comments to me. One day I came into the store, and they were in the office with the lights out. He was napping and she was playing computer games. She came out and said, “Oh, no! She caught us.” They both thought it was funny, but I didn’t.
I recently learned my boyfriend had a one-night stand three months into our relationship. Also, his previous assistant keeps calling and coming into the store even though she now lives in another city. He cheated on his third wife with this woman. I got angry and told him to get rid of her, or we were done.
Personally, I think he’s addicted to women and can’t say no to any of them. He was a fat, dumpy kid when he was growing up, and I think he has low self-esteem. These women seem to boost his ego at my expense. We’ve talked at great length about his past, but there is always another woman crawling out of the woodwork.
Unfortunately, he changes only when I threaten to leave. I keep hanging in there, but I’m running out of rope.
Debbie
Debbie, in the ancient Indian story called the “Mahabharata,” there is a riddle. “Of all things on earth, what is most strange?” The answer is, “That a man should see death all around him and not believe that he will die.” Of all things in your letter, what is most strange? That you should believe a man who cheats on all his wives, wouldn’t cheat on you. In fact, he already has.
When he told you his past, he wasn’t being honest. He was predicting your future. He was also protecting himself. When it happened to you, he could say you knew from the beginning what he was like.
As long as you make excuses for him, you will stay in the relationship. The excuses allow you to blame something other than him. Something you can’t change. As long as women make excuses for him, he will have women he can cheat on.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of September 25, 2000)
Misplaced Blame
My husband and I separated almost two years ago. He says our marriage is over, yet he still comes over occasionally to spend the night. On February 13, 2000, we went to a World Marriage Day service and renewed our vows. That night he left and went back to the woman he lives with. I was crushed.
A couple of weeks ago I went to a dance club, and he was there with guess who? The woman he’s lived with the last two years. On that night this girl got in my face and told me herself my marriage was over. My husband just stood there and never said anything. She kissed him, then she tried to hit me. They ended up getting kicked out of the club.
Tell me, just what kind of female person would do that? Has she no respect for herself?
Elaine
Elaine, when you throw a stick at a dog, the dog goes after the stick. Throw a stick at a lion, and the lion goes after you. The lion is not distracted by the stick. Be a lion. Don’t be distracted. This woman hasn’t made you any promises, your husband has.
You blame her because you are still willing to take him back. As long as you want him back, you will blame someone else for his lack of character. If he was really yours, no other woman could come between you.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of March 27, 2000)
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