A Cliffhanger
I have been involved with a married woman for six months. I know her husband through an organization he runs, and I began speaking to his wife online. She is very outgoing, and we began instant messaging. Most of the talks were friendly and comical, and I told her I liked her.
Eventually we met and upon being alone, ended up making out. Neither of us can be blamed for what happened because we both kind of pushed the issue. I am a very realistic person, and I’m guessing she doesn’t love me like I love her.
With her husband she has two children. I know she’s not stupid enough to diminish her self-interest because her situation now is far better than it would be with me. I’m looking into justification for my next action. I love her. I know she doesn’t want to be caught, and I’m wondering if it’s best to walk away, or to increase the chances she will be caught.
Martin
Martin, you say she is not to blame and you are not to blame. We agree. You are both to blame.
Look at what’s going on. She’s the one with the power, and she’s not going to leave her husband. The only power you have is the power to punish her. You think, if her husband catches her, he will divorce her. Then she will come to you. That’s not likely. If you expose her, she will blame you.
You are counting on divorce as the recognized penalty for adultery, rather than thinking, “I should not be doing this and neither should she.” You created this imbroglio. Rather than looking for someone free to be with you, you took a shortcut through a back alley. Now you’ve hit upon a spiteful solution so distant from love it is hair-raising.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of October 15, 2007)
Close Encounters
Like many couples out there, my relationship with my spouse has been quite challenging. We've been together for the last five years and have one child. About two months ago I started e-mailing my neighbor's husband about work. It turned into fantasy role-playing and e-mail tag. It lasted about two and a half weeks before we physically connected.
No, we didn't sleep together, but we did quite a bit. We met three times. Once I was pretty drunk, and the other two times I was quite sober--excited, but starting to feel guilty as hell. Things were coming to an end because I wanted to work on my relationship.
Two weeks ago I get a call from his wife saying she's in front of their computer reading an e-mail. She wants to know what the hell is going on. I told her something was going on--I couldn't lie because I didn't know which e-mail was in front of her--but that we hadn't slept together. Blah, blah, blah.
I'm planning to tell my spouse this weekend, away from the house, without interruptions. But man, I don't know how? He is going to freak out! Especially since one of my lines to him awhile ago was, "Babe, I swear I will never cheat on you. If ever something is to happen, I'll tell you."
Not! Yes, I am feeling extremely guilty, and yes, I want to work on my relationship with my husband. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Janis
Janis, it must have been a tough two weeks trying to keep your neighbor's wife away from your husband. It's like you committed a crime, you can hear sirens wailing in the distance, and you know the police are enroute to your house. You called us, as your lawyers, for advice.
As your mouthpiece, we'll review the options. Blame your husband. Accuse him of emotional neglect and lack of communication. It must be his fault. Or point the finger at the neighbor. If this Lothario hadn't pursued you, nothing would have happened. Then again, the culprit could be the neighbor's wife. She wasn't taking care of her man.
Perhaps society had a role in this. After all, everyone's doing it. Or finally, you might deny everything. It wasn't sex because you didn't sleep together.
The problem with all these defenses is you knew you were married, you knew it was wrong, and you got caught red-handed. As your lawyers we can't assist you in preparing a defense we know is false.
There is something else we know is true. There is so little connection between you and your husband this occurred. The two of you need to sit down and honestly decide if staying together simply postpones the inevitable.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of November 21, 2005)
The Road Not Taken
My husband cheated on me for maybe five years, and yes, I really had no idea. The person he cheated with is a policewoman on his job. She is married and her husband is a cop, too. To make a long story short, I found out about the affair and forgave him, but a few years later I realized it was still going on.
So out of anger, I called her husband and told him, plus I gave him the damaging proof. I also filed a complaint with her captain to keep her from calling my house. Now my husband is trying to save his good name with the department and avoiding contact with her husband.
She, on the other hand, hardly ever goes to work now. As for me, my husband is playing the "forgive me" role again. But this time I'm letting him believe things are okay with us. I decided to use him as my lover. I'm back at school full-time for my degree. I turn down nothing he offers. I ask for everything, and most of the time I get it.
I'm going places I only dreamed about, and I'm enjoying it for me, not for us! I am determined to be a better independent me, able to take care of myself. Hey, what he does for me, even if it's out of guilt, I deserve it and more. I am going to take it all, and in the end he will know what it is like to place your trust and belief in one person, only to have them walk out with no regrets.
This I am going to do cause it's all about me now. I forgot one more thing. I have been faithfully married to this man for almost 20 years. Tell me what you think of this.
Vivian
Vivian, cheating changes everything about a relationship. It has made you into someone you never were. You are not the kind of woman to use a man and be selfish in a relationship. But you couldn't pull him to your path, so he pushed you to his.
When you first learned of his affair, you forgave your husband, but you didn't take action. That is why you are where you are now. He didn't suffer any consequences. Perhaps the only consequence that would have prevented you from being cheated on a second time was divorce.
A famous poem by Robert Frost says it is the road we pick "that has made all the difference." Had you chosen another road the first time, he might have stopped. Or he may never have stopped. But the consequences came too late for both of you.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of November 24, 2003)
The Sting
Two days ago, purely by accident, I found out my husband was a member of an online sex and swinger service. I unintentionally opened his e-mail, thinking the computer was logged on to my name, not his. After a minute or two of deliberation, I used the password to log on to the site to see what he was doing. I almost threw up when I read his profile and found he was actively seeking women and couples for extramarital sex.
Yesterday, I became a member of the site, set up a fake profile, and contacted him. I think I was hoping he signed up as some kind of joke at work to see who would get the most replies or something. Today I got his reply. He wants to get to know me better and see pictures.
I am going to play this out and see how far he takes this, but I already feel betrayed and cheated on, even though it is with me! We've been together for eight years, married for six, and have two very young children. I never even thought of him cheating on me before this.
Olivia
Olivia, contacting other people for sex is not a lark. Your husband is doing something covert which may end your marriage.
If you confront him with the thin evidence you have now, he will tell you this is the very first time he did this, he is sorry, and he doesn't know why he did it. Our response is, perhaps he doesn't know why he gets in the car and drives to work, either.
Now your husband is thinking about this "new" person. He is hoping she e-mails pictures. He is thinking about how he will conceal her from you. He is plotting it out in his mind.
Don't expect to ever know the truth from him. The truth is of no advantage to him. In the many letters we receive, the betrayed party feels they never learned the entire truth.
If you pursue your quest for information, you will want to know several things. How long has he been doing this? How many partners has he had? What kind of precautions has he taken, if any? What does he tell others about you and your relationship?
At some point you will tell your husband what you know. The more you know, the fewer excuses he can offer. He may fall back on the betrayer's standard excuse: it's your fault.
We don't allow for that. You don't cheat. If you have problems, you talk to your spouse. If you are going to get involved with another person, you end your marriage first. Anything less permanently destroys trust in the marriage.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of June 28, 2004)
A Preexisting Condition
I am 25 and have been married for two years. This past August I began an affair with my husband's younger brother. I feel just terrible and want to end the relationship, but I feel I am in a hopeless situation.
The guilt is overwhelming, and I feel I need to come clean with my husband before I can get past what I've done and move on. However, I'm sure you can see the conflict. Since the affair involves someone so close to my husband, I don't know that we could ever get through this.
I don't want to destroy the relationship between my husband and his brother, not to mention that this news would destroy their entire family. I feel like I should divorce my husband, cut off all contact with him and his brother, and live with the consequences of my actions--loneliness, guilt, and the burden of my sins. Can you please help?
Kerri
Kerri, you want to whip yourself with a cat-o'-nine-tails, but this is not something to whip yourself about. It is something to understand. There is no point in becoming just another miserable person on the planet. Too many people already fit that category.
Your affair is not the problem. The problem started before that, and it involves what you brought to the marriage. When two people have that ultimate love which everyone craves, they never forget who they are married to. Forgetting the other person would be like forgetting their own name.
If you truly loved your husband, you couldn't have done this. If you hadn't done something so severe, he would want to work out your differences. Your reasons for marrying this man were not sufficient to sustain the marriage. So you sought a way out.
If you decide to divorce, you owe your husband an explanation. You may want to tell him you deceived yourself about your feelings for him. If he did nothing wrong, you need to tell him that.
It is up to you whether or not you admit sleeping with his brother. The question is, Does he need his brother more than he needs to know what his brother is like?
Perhaps you don't feel worthy of love. If that is the case, you need to explore this issue as well. The marriage you want is the opposite of what you did. Like every other human being you deserve love, not loneliness, guilt and anxiety. But until you understand why you acted, there is no way to end the cycle of doing wrong, then punishing yourself after the fact.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of December 2, 2002)
Her Legacy
I am a happily married woman with school-aged children. I am also in love with “Steven,” a man I knew back in college. Though there was undeniable magnetism between us when we met, I was already dating the man I later married. Steven and I had only a couple of nights of dynamic passion.
After graduation, we had no contact until the Internet came along. For four years we’ve emailed and talked as lovers. We exchanged sexual fantasies about each other and even a few explicit photos. We live less than two hours apart and have seen each other twice since college, both times in professional settings. He is something of a public figure.
My husband knows Steven and I email and speak on the phone. Steven’s wife is totally unaware. I love my husband. He treats me like a queen, and my marriage is the envy of all my friends. Steven and I don’t want to rip everyone’s life apart, but it is difficult to have so little contact with someone you love so deeply.
Recently I explained to Steven how much it bothers me that he is living a lie. Our dilemma is if he tells his wife he also loves me, she will surely leave him and take the children. If he fudges and says we are friends, she will insist we stop talking.
Now Steven has decided to limit our email to one letter a month. This is part of what he wrote: “Please don’t call. It’s too hard to talk about this. In total honesty, hearing your voice is a problem. I’m asking you this as a friend: don’t call.
“I lay in bed staring at the ceiling all night. I’m comparing my wife to you and getting angry she is not you. I recognize you and I are soul mates.
“Fourteen years ago we might have pulled it off, not now. Children change everything. I love you. And I love my wife. But I love my children more (and I know you understand this). Over the weekend I envisioned what I would have to say to my kids if this ever came out.
“The phone rang twice since I started typing. I assume it’s you. I’m sorry not to answer, but I have to insist we stop talking. I love you. It’s amazing to me you would doubt that. My feelings, both noble and carnal, aren’t going to change, but I can’t let them ruin our lives.”
I’m afraid Steven’s wife will find out about us. I wish he could at least tell her we are friends, even if he leaves out that we love each other. It’s such a mess. We’re constantly longing for each other, and one email a month doesn’t satisfy our desires. Any advice?
Winnie
Winnie, nitroglycerin is a highly explosive liquid. It is so unstable the slightest jolt can cause it to spontaneously detonate. That is what Steven thinks you are. Nitroglycerin.
His stomach does flips each time the phone rings. He has night sweats and makes bargains with God. He is begging you not to ruin him.
You’re not afraid his wife will find out about you. You are hopeful. And you have all those letters and pictures. We doubt anything we say will change what you are about to do, but we are curious about what happens. Let us know how many city blocks are leveled, how many lives are destroyed, when you go off.
Alfred Nobel made a fortune turning nitroglycerin into dynamite, a useful form of the explosive. When a newspaper mistakenly ran his obituary before he died, Nobel realized he would be remembered for creating a weapon of destruction. So he created the Nobel Prizes, forever linking his name with peaceful achievements in areas like science and medicine. What do you want your name to be linked with?
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of January 8, 2001)
