Alice In Wonderland
I am having great difficulty understanding this.
My husband had an affair that lasted a year and a half. He said he met with this woman in a parking lot about a dozen times, less than 20 minutes each time. Once they met at a hotel for drinks, which led to her asking him to get a room. He says they had sex a total of five times.
This woman is a mutual friend of ours. She wanted to meet my husband to discuss divorce because he had been divorced prior to our marriage. He says she was the sexual aggressor.
We have been in therapy and he is also seeing a hypnotist. My husband says his infidelity was caused by: fear of losing me, fear he didn’t measure up to men in my past, and mid-life crisis. He believes he never wanted to be unfaithful and was torturing himself. So do the therapist and hypnotist.
My husband realizes some aspects of true love were missing, but he always loved me. I love him, yet I am having difficulty getting over the pain this has caused.
Do you think there is a way I may be able to understand?
Carol Ann
Carol Ann, you are confused. So are we. It’s fear, mid-life crisis, he’s torturing himself, it’s the other woman’s fault, it only happened a few times, there were aspects of true love missing, and the hypnotist and therapist agree with him.
Listening to your husband’s explanations is like sitting down to tea with the Mad Hatter. No matter how hard you try, it’s difficult to have an intelligent conversation. You would have to throw out your common sense and true feelings.
Your husband is skirting the truth and not taking responsibility for his actions. He is throwing out a variety of excuses, hoping you will find one you like and accept. He hasn’t owned up to what he has done.
You can’t do a thing until he does.
Even though you are outnumbered three to one, don’t doubt yourself. You will never understand life down the rabbit hole.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of November 1, 1999)
Mother Goose
I am a 31-year-old woman who has been married eight years. I have one daughter who is the most important thing in the world to me.
The second most important person to me should be my husband, but he’s not. Quite awhile ago we drifted apart to the point where we were two strangers living in the same house.
At the same time, I became friends with a man at work. He is also married. We spent quite a lot of time together over the last four years, and have enjoyed each other’s company. Even though I flirted with him, I never considered he would have more than friendship feelings for me.
About two months ago we started asking more intimate questions of one another. We found we had a lot in common and began to have strong feelings for each other. However, we never even held hands or kissed because we were both aware it was not right.
At one point we sent fantasies about one another back and forth at work on a regular basis. My stomach was in knots for a month, and I thought about him almost every minute. I had problems eating and sleeping, and the relationship with my husband got progressively worse as I compared him to this man.
My fantasy man told me he loved me and told his wife about his “strong feelings” for me. Then she kicked him out of the house. Everything felt as if it was spinning out of control, and I seriously contemplated divorce to be with this person.
But soon after she kicked him out, he realized his wife was the most important person in the world to him. He promised never to see me again and has stuck to that promise. I have respected his wish for total avoidance. It was hard at first, but I put myself in his wife’s shoes and felt terrible for what happened.
It’s been a month now. For the first three days I did nothing but cry, but then I realized it would not have worked out between us. The lovers part was just a fantasy. However, I deeply miss the friendship and camaraderie I had with him.
I am going to counseling with my husband, but have never mentioned what happened as it would hurt him pointlessly. It is getting better between us, but sexually there is no spark and I wonder if we will ever find it again.
Now I want to renew my friendship with the other man. I am asking you how to go about this. I don’t want to hear that it can’t be done. I realize I care for him but don’t think I love him, so I can handle the friendship right now.
What do you think?
Elsbeth
Elsbeth, you aren’t looking for the right answer. You’re looking for your answer. Do you remember the nursery rhyme that begins, “There was a crooked man who walked a crooked mile.” You’re looking for a crooked answer to fit a crooked life. This isn’t said to be mean, but you know how far off-kilter your life has become.
When two people marry, they intend to be the most important person in each other’s life. Out of their love, they have children they guide and teach. In time, the children leave home and begin their own lives, repeating the cycle their parents prepared them for. But the husband and wife continue to be the most important person in each other’s life.
Your problem began when you and your husband drifted apart. To fill the gap, you found a man to be your surrogate husband, lover, and companion. Getting this man back into your life only allows you to continue to ignore the real problem: your relationship with your husband.
Only honesty will straighten out your life. Honesty with yourself. Honesty with everyone else.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of December 13, 1999)
The Reason Why
My fiance and I have been together almost four years and have a son. Last year we were supposed to be married, but he cheated on me and called off the wedding. After I started dating someone else, he changed his mind and decided I was what he wanted. We went to see marriage counselors, and they made him see that communication is the key to any relationship surviving.
My fiance wasn’t raised to talk out problems. He was raised with the attitude a man can walk all over a woman, and she is supposed to support him no matter what. Well, I do not agree to being a doormat, and he knows this.
Once we got back together, we planned another wedding for May, 2000. We moved to a new home, started a new life, and things were going perfectly. Then three weeks ago he started acting strange again. He said he didn’t love me. When he said this, I took it to heart. After waiting a few days I called the church and canceled the wedding. My fiance didn’t care.
Last night at midnight he called me at mom’s, begging me to give him one more chance. When I called off the wedding, I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I feel like I made a mistake, but I can’t figure out why. What do you think?
Ginger
Ginger, it’s time to put to rest the old canard that communication is the key to a relationship. It isn’t. Bullies, for example, are masters of communication. They clearly communicate that they will make your life miserable! But this successful communication doesn’t mean you have a good relationship with them.
The key to relationships is connection. When you feel a strong, unwavering connection to another, you have the basis for marriage. What have you told us about this man? He has been unfaithful, he belittles you, and he said he doesn’t love you.
Your ex-fiance is good at communicating. His words and actions show he doesn’t feel connected to you. If you stay with him, your life will be a seesaw with you mostly up in the air. Your son will learn to accept this kind of relationship as the norm.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of February 22, 2000)
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