Shooting The Messenger
I am writing to object to your one-way, no alternative advice when it comes to infidelity. While other long-term advice columnists—such as Abby and Ann Landers—always recommend counseling, you two go to the other extreme of "forget kids and family, let's divorce immediately."
Every case is different! How can you be so judgmental? My guess is, it is based on your personal experience. The divorce rate is high enough. Please stop trying to increase it!
People change over the years; people grow apart; sometimes it is possible through hard work to grow back together. This can be a wake-up call. A heartbreaking, devastating wake-up call! I only ask that if one person recognizes they have made a mistake and wants to reconcile with their spouse to whom they pledged "till death," don't be so one-way and adamant in your advice!
Violet
Violet, the narrator of Daphne du Maurier's novel "The House on the Strand" is a man named Dick Young. At one point Dick says, "Truth is the hardest thing to put across." We agree, and we would define truth as that which corresponds to facts. Truth is not what we wish to be true or what we would hope to be true. Truth is what corresponds to facts.
The most obvious question about adultery is, Why is there such a strong taboo against it? The ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle grouped adultery—along with procuring, poisoning, assassination, and desertion of a comrade in battle—as an act which must always be wrong. Jesus of Nazareth in the Sermon on the Mount listed it as a case where divorce is permitted.
Virtually all religions and legal systems make adultery the one instance where divorce is allowed. Why? There must be a reason deep within us. Cognitive scientists use the term "unconscious" to describe brain structures we cannot view directly, but which we know by their effects. Is that where this taboo comes from?
Who taught the 16-year-old girl to feel jealous when another girl gives her boyfriend attention? Who taught the 16-year-old boy to feel sick to his stomach or angry enough to fight when an older boy moves in on his girl? No one taught them. Those feelings are innate, and there is no evidence counseling can change innate brain structures.
Last year was the 75th anniversary of marriage counseling in the United States. If there is someone under a bush or in a cave who doesn't know about marriage counseling, we'll leave it to the 99 percent who know about it to inform them. But we won't imply that marriage counseling can do more than it can do.
People may stay together for financial, religious, or social reasons, but we never get letters from people who say they "got over" their partner's infidelity. The letters we get are from those who feel the pain of betrayal decades after the fact, or even years after the death of a spouse. Why? Because, as humans, we want love from someone who loves us to the exclusion of all others. Infidelity is the proof we don't have what we most deeply crave. There is simply no way around that.
People need to hear they don't have to put up with a spouse who violates the most basic tenet of the marriage contract. Strong reasons from religion, law, and cognitive science support leaving. If one person knows the other won't leave no matter what, then that party has enslaved the other.
We agree with you that the divorce rate is high enough, but we also believe in dealing with reality. We could give the traditional yadda yadda yadda answer which implies everything can be fixed, but that would fail the truth test.
Truth is that which corresponds to facts, and as Daphne du Maurier's character said, truth is the hardest thing to put across.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of March 13, 2006)
False Imprisonment
Three years ago my husband confessed to me face-to-face, he had an affair with a friend of mine. It hurt me so bad, but after days of him apologizing, saying how much he loved me and what a mistake he made, I took him back.
Now he is controlling me. He doesn't like me to sit and talk with my friends, or play cards with them. He wants me to stay here at home under him. He doesn't trust me, though I never gave him reason to doubt me.
I believe he's afraid I am going to get revenge on him. I've asked him, but of course he denies it. He goes hunting and camping while I stay home with the kids, but when I want to go out, he blows up. When I reminded him I stay home so he can go out, he said he won't hunt or camp again.
I have suggested separating for awhile and see if time apart improves things. He said if I leave, that's it. Now I feel I need to stay home and go nowhere just to keep him satisfied. He even gets mad if I go to my mother's. Please help.
Millicent
Millicent, cheaters believe others cheat. Liars believe others lie. Thieves believe others steal. Your husband thinks, "She's no better than I am. If I could cheat, she could too."
Every day that goes by, his fear builds. He is thinking, "If she gets away from me, she'll get even with me, and I won't even know for sure she did it." He knows he would never forgive you what you forgave him.
The guilty party is in control here, and he doesn't have the right. He is acting like a jailer, and you are innocent of all crimes. You may feel separation will give you more standing in your relationship. If you want to exercise that option, don't let his threat stop you.
Many books have been written about how to get past infidelity, but our experience is that cheating always remains central to the relationship. How do you uncrack an egg? The answer is: you don't.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of November 27, 2000)
The Heart Of The Matter
I have male friends who are just friends, but my husband is so insecure about them it is driving me crazy. A year ago Christmas he took our children to visit family out of town. I could not go because of work. While my family was gone, I invited a male friend to go to Christmas Eve service with me. I told my husband, and he had no reaction.
Six months later my spouse complained I was spending too much time with other men. He insisted I have one of the children with me to act as a chaperone. A chaperone for what I do not know, because nothing ever happens. We live in a small town with nosey neighbors who report my comings and goings to my husband. These neighbors must lead such boring and miserable lives they try to make my life as miserable as theirs.
My husband claims I disrespected him by taking a friend to church when he wasn’t home. Wouldn’t it have been more disrespectful if I had not told him? Nine years ago he had an affair with a woman in our home. I feel he’s carrying around guilt about the affair and laying it onto me, which is not fair. I have been in therapy for a year now. My husband has gone to the last two sessions with me. I discovered he married me because he felt "obligated” since we had sex before marriage. No, I was not pregnant.
In twenty years I have never been unfaithful and I don’t plan to be, but I can’t go on much longer with my husband not trusting me. This has driven a big wedge between us. My therapist says everyone deserves friends, whether they be male or female. Any advice?
Sue
Sue, the wedge between you was driven nine years ago when your husband brought another woman into your home. Now he says he felt obligated to marry you, which undercuts the very basis of your marriage. True or not, he is saying love isn’t the reason for your relationship and never was.
We believe you when you say you don’t plan to be unfaithful. At least subconsciously, though, your contact with other men is an exquisitely slow payback for your husband’s affair. It is a bit like pricking him with a pin, again and again. There is a word which starts with “d” that you have both been avoiding. It is time to stop skirmishing about superficial issues and discuss the heart of the matter.
Wayne and Tamara
(From the column for the week of March 6, 2000)
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