An Unquenched Thirst
I hope you can help me because I'm at a loss. I am a 47-year-old woman and still don't know what I am supposed to do with my life. I say that because I've had a yearning for something all my life but can't figure out what.
I've married four times, moved probably twenty, and though I am in the same profession, I have held many jobs. My marriage now is what I would call a sexless friendship, by his choice. He is a prescription junkie, off work much of the time from accidents.
In order, my other three husbands were an ex-Marine with post-traumatic stress disorder, an alcoholic now dying in a nursing home of Huntington's chorea, and a religious fanatic with underlying sexual deviancy.
My once good looks, which I could rely on, are going fast. If I told you everything, you could write the world's most depressing play, or an ironic comedy. I know this sounds like a pity party, and with everything going on in the world right now I should be ashamed to even think like this, but I can't turn it off.
Caroline
Caroline, more than a hundred years ago, a sea captain named Joshua Slocum became the first person to sail around the world solo.
About his voyage, Slocum wrote, "I awoke sometimes to find the sun already shining into my cabin. I heard water rushing by with only a thin plank between me and the depths, and I said, 'How's this?' But it was all right. It was my ship on her course, sailing as no other ship had ever sailed before in the world."
That is a description of what a good life feels like. When our life is on course, everything is in its proper place and the sun is shining. It is worth believing that such a positive state exists, because it does. At a deep level, you know this, and have always known this. The question is how to get there.
The first step is to stop what you are doing now. Each of your husbands has been more in need of a rehab center than a wife. No more serial marriages. Don't let how you dress, where you go, and how you act be determined by what you think men want.
Don't let others choose you. It's time to turn the tables. When you pretend to be what others want, then you lose yourself. Of course, you will be unhappy. You wind up with someone who isn't for you. The real you.
The next step is to hold in your mind an image of what you want, the image of what is right. When have you felt good within your own skin? What do you sense would make you happy? If that is hard to picture, another way to get there is by removing from your life what makes you unhappy. Negative people, poor environments, burdensome objects.
Make a space for what is positive to enter. Garner strength from observing people near you who have put their lives together. Your motor is cold now, so it needs a little warming before it can start. That is why you wrote.
Each of us charts a course solely our own. Watching others and looking at life from what is within us, gives us a sense of direction. What to do next is within you. You will find it by eliminating the negatives which have kept it hidden. Focus on rewards to come, and don't let fear stop you from finding what others before you have found.
An ironic proverb says, "Sleep faster, we need the pillows." It takes time to transform a life. But in time, you will feel like Joshua Slocum. I have survived storms, heavy seas and pirates to live a rich, full life. A life where the sun is shining.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of December 31, 2001)
A Christmas Wish
My sister is a woman now beginning her thirties. She has had few friends and her boyfriends have never been good for her. Now she has finally found a man who adores her.
They had an affair nine years back, when he was twice her age and still married. My sister ended the affair, and he separated from his wife. When my sister contacted him this spring, he finalized the divorce and they became a couple. His marriage, which was arranged by his church, was never happy.
His parents and his children are upset he divorced. His children don't want to meet his new girlfriend, and he hasn't dared to tell his parents about her. The other issue is children. She wants; he doesn't. I tell my sister they both know each other's stand on this and neither has the right to impose on the other, but neither of them wants to leave.
My whole family visited them on my sister's last birthday. It felt so nice to see them together and to see my sister get love and warmth at last. But to know at some point they will have a crash landing feels awful. She has a man who loves her, but he is entangled in a constricting family and church. Besides, there is a conflict of dreams between them.
What should I say to my sister? We try to get an equal relationship, but we are in such different circumstances. I am married with two children, a professional with friends and all things that she wants. I cannot possibly tell her, after seeing their cozy home and how they care for each other, that this is another no-go.
Who am I to know? Maybe he will come around, or maybe she will think he is more important than fulfilling her dream of children. Maybe I should just keep my "superior knowledge" to myself.
Noel
Noel, Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol is one of our favorite stories, but this tale is so familiar most of us forget the moral. Even in our old age it is not too late to change. Even in our old age it is not too late to live the life which is our birthright. But we must want to change and then follow through.
In Dickens' tale Ebenezer Scrooge is visited by the ghost of his old business partner Jacob Marley. Marley warns Scrooge where the patterns of his life are taking him, and even though Marley wants Scrooge to change, he is powerless to make him change. Scrooge must go through a journey of discovery before he is ready.
You would like to play Jacob Marley for your sister, but even Marley couldn't change Scrooge. Three spirits had to show Scrooge his past, his present, and if he did not change, his dismal future. Until Scrooge made this journey he was not ready.
That is the wisdom of the story. We must examine the past for its lessons, search the present for its patterns, and project where those patterns will lead us in the future. If those patterns lead to sadness, they must be altered to lead us to fulfillment. As Scrooge says, "Men's courses will foreshadow certain ends, to which, if persevered in, they must lead. But if the courses be departed from, the ends will change."
Whether our life is a sad life, an abused life, or simply a flat life, we can use this simple story as a guide to breaking the patterns which lead to bad ends.
You may possess the life you wish for your sister, but you do not have the power to give it to her. She will not change until she is ready. Keep your superior knowledge to yourself. If you wish to do something, give your sister a copy of A Christmas Carol and make a silent wish for her happiness.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of December 22, 2003)
Making Headway
A few years ago, I suffered several traumas within the space of a year. My father died, and my mother, out of grief, attempted suicide. The town I live in was hit by severe economic problems, problems so severe most of my friends moved away.
I went through a period of extreme neediness without many people around me. The people who were around me, by the way, were also reeling from the loss of many friends. I made an effort to meet new people, but, unfortunately, most of the people who stayed are 15 or 20 years older than me.
The only reason I stayed was because I held a good government job, a job I trained many years for and one I was lucky to get. The year all this tumult occurred, I was given a permanent position. I was torn. Personally I was shattered, while professionally I was flourishing.
The last four years have been extremely difficult. The loneliness was unbearable at times, so I took solace in the bottle. I became so concerned about it last spring I called my mom to come and get me. I took leave from work and returned to my hometown.
Being around my family and old friends made my desire to seek oblivion disappear. But when I returned here, I again found the loneliness overwhelming. I met a married man and, because he was so kind to me, began an affair.
This is the first time I have done anything like this. My ethics have always led me to act with integrity. It's madness, I know, but the pleasure, however stolen, that I get from this man is intense. I'm sure it's driven by loneliness and fantasy.
I don't have anyone to confide in, so I guess I'm not asking for advice, just support. I know what I have to do, but I'm scared to be alone again. I'm scared to leave a job I love and return home to look for work.
Tess
Tess, Gilroy, California bills itself as the "Garlic Capitol of the World." If you drive by the fields during much of the year, the place positively reeks of garlic. If you can't stand the smell of garlic, you can't live in Gilroy.
The place where you live is destroying you. Booze, loneliness, and the loss of your self-esteem threaten the one thing you stayed for. Your job. Your deeper self is sending you a message. You are trying to live in Gilroy, but you are allergic to garlic.
Most good things are scary, at least in the beginning. The first day of school, flying for the first time, even simple things like going to a restaurant for the first time, can be scary. But what is the alternative? If there is no opportunity where you are, you need to move.
The longer you stay the harder it will be to start over. Is it scary? Of course, but it's also exhilarating. Will there be difficulties? Of course, but you will be moving to a place where you have emotional support.
The key to a successful, fulfilled life lies in following the impulses from the deepest level of our being. Before we think, before we act, an answer is there. What is it? Before conscious thought intervened, what seemed right?
It doesn't matter what the situation is. Intuition listened to and followed makes us strong. You are not asking for advice because you don't need it. You know what to do.
When you move your life in the right direction, in time, you get a deep sense of satisfaction. When your life is out of hand, it seems like life is a random collection of events or "one damn thing after another." When you follow what you know is right, in time, it feels like you are being moved by the hand of destiny.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of November 16, 2001)
The End Game
Good morning. A very early morning, I might add, because I'm finding it hard to sleep. I'm involved with a man who loves me deeply and would do anything for me, but who doesn't know who he is.
He had a very sorrowful childhood. His father died young, and his mother was left to raise the children alone. She could handle the girls fairly well, being one herself, but she didn't know what to do with the boys. So Will and his brothers were sent to boarding school.
The light of Will's life became his vacations with his "uncle", a dear friend of the family, the actual uncle of a classmate. It turns out after a short time this wonderful uncle sexually abused Will. When vacations to the uncle finally ended, recollections of abuse were blocked from his memory.
Out of school, Will traveled, got a terrific job and drifted through life. When his best friends married, he was swept up in the need to be part of it all. He married an independent, wealthy woman. Maybe there was a little love, but did it really matter?
They decided he should quit work. The wife became immersed in gathering material things, the more expensive the better. She grew consumed to the point of obsession with getting her share from the family trust. She neglected Will and their children.
Will became the whipping boy for her black moods, and his self-esteem suffered. He went back to work to garner a niche for himself and closed himself off emotionally as the marriage grew worse.
We met last year. Neither of us could speak with our spouses, so we turned to each other as best friends. Our story isn’t new in that respect. For years my husband abused me emotionally and neglected our child. When I miscarried at Christmas, he wasn't there to support me. Will was there for me through it all.
Our emotions deepened and we became physically involved. Will has separated from his wife, but I haven't left my current address because I can't afford to. He is taking time away from our relationship to try to resolve his past difficulties. I don't know if he can.
I would love to spend my life with him, but I don't think I can take a chance with so much unresolved baggage in his life. I am using our time apart to establish myself as an independent entity and looking for full-time work. I am also establishing a new relationship with the father of my child, based on our love for her.
Dinah
Dinah, in 1972 Bobby Fischer played Boris Spassky for the world chess championship. In one pivotal game, Fischer made a series of moves which didn't seem to help him much. Until the final move. Spassky suddenly realized his position was hopeless and resigned.
Grandmasters watching the game in another room were as surprised as Spassky. No one saw it coming. As one newspaper reported, Fischer amassed a "multitude of small advantages" until he had achieved an insurmountable advantage.
You are living life thinking one move ahead. Not happy with your husband, you move toward another man. Growing close to him, you see he is not the solution and take a step back.
In the deepest sense, relationships are not intended to supply what we lack. They are intended to enhance what we already have. Understanding Will is not the solution to your life is a small, though major, advance in your position. What you need is more standing and wherewithal, more confidence in yourself as an independent entity.
With each small advance, in career or sense of purpose and wholeness, your perspective will change. Victory will be yours not by choosing between men, but by developing who you are.
You can make the series of small maneuvers which will materially change your life.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of August 27, 2001)
