Free Will
My story is like most others. All the signs were there, but for some reason I wanted to believe the lies.
My former boyfriend met his ex-wife behind my back. I also suspected an affair with his boss. That thought nagged me. So one night when he was away I looked up her address and drove there. Lo and behold! His car was parked in her driveway at four in the morning. He said he left it there for convenience while he went out with friends for the night.
I guess the question you get most is why. But I don't want to know why he did these things, but why did I stay with someone who would cheat on me? Why would I want to believe the lies so much I went against my own logic?
Tiffany
Tiffany, if you are less than 70 years old, you have been raised all your life to believe we can make any relationship work with the right amount of hard work, compromise, and communication. That is what the "experts" claim. It isn't true.
The end result of believing every relationship can be worked on and worked through is there aren't any warning signs anymore. It is like saying since medical people can effectively treat burns, you no longer need to remove your hand from a hot stove.
You wanted a loving, monogamous relationship. That is who you are. He wanted to play the field and be intimate with whoever he wanted. That is who he is. Neither of you had the ability or the right to change the other. You tried to apply what you desired in a relationship, and what the "experts" claim is possible, to the man you had. It didn't work.
At the time you couldn't see there could be someone else for you who would be loving and monogamous. That is where you needed to go because no one has the power to change the behavior of another.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of May 19, 2003)
At Rope's End
My husband has a mild case of Tourette Syndrome, which causes involuntary movements and unwelcome outcries. We've been married six years, and I'm not sure I can take it anymore.
His symptoms include anger, immaturity, and not linking action with consequence. He lashes out at me, then blames me for making him do it. Our daily life revolves around him acting worse than a child. The only peace is when I hide everything I feel and need.
When his Tourette's isn't acting up, he is a different person. Unfortunately, making him take his medication is like pulling teeth, and counseling is out of the question in his book. I don't believe in divorce, but this is killing me from the inside out.
To make matters worse, we have two kids. As a side note, he has never gotten physical with them, but he has with me three times.
Pauline
Pauline, you have been left holding up your husband's end of the marriage as well as your own. It isn't fair. You are not his physician, pharmacist, case worker, and motivational coach. You are his wife and partner.
Perhaps in the beginning you took up the slack in the relationship too quickly and that encouraged him to do less. Perhaps you minimized what life together would be like. Like Scarlett O'Hara in "Gone With the Wind" you said, "I'll think about that tomorrow."
Tomorrow is at hand, marriage includes two people, and it takes both to succeed. It's time for a talk, a thoughtful, calm expression of your feelings. Let your husband know the seriousness of the situation. He must understand how important it is for him to make the effort to manage his Tourette's.
The choice is his. For the sake of his marriage he can accept help and make the effort. Or like Rhett Butler, he may say, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." Either way you will have your answer.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of October 22, 2001)
Snowflakes
This one is on behalf of my best friend. My friend feels her mother-in-law is a terrible grandmother who falls far short of her expectations. She adores dogs and shows them more love and affection than her own grandchildren. My friend often compares this woman to her own mother who dotes on the children.
Sometimes my friend tells her mother-in-law directly what she thinks of her, and she cries. Her husband does not feel his mother is a loving grandmother, but he loves his mum and wants a peaceful life.
Coincidentally I have a similar setup with my in-laws. They have more time for animals--dogs, cats, and goats--and show them more love and affection than their grandchildren. They are more inclined to help the needy, like handicapped and poor people. However, my husband and I accept it is their choice to live as they wish, and we are always polite and respectful to them. I've encouraged my children to accept them as they are, which they do.
We made a lot of effort to fit in with my husband's family over the past decade, but now are less interested as it is only one way. We visit a few times a year, but that is not an issue as we live 100 miles away. We're expected to call from time to time, but conversations are restrained as we honestly don't have interest in each other's lives.
I ask questions like, have you been to a goat show lately. But they ask none in return, not even how are the children. That's just how they are. I feel my friend is competing with her mother-in-law, trying to prove she's bad and her mum's better. What do you suggest? Once again my friend is due to tell her mother-in-law how disappointed she is in her.
Sybil
Sybil, there is a translation of Lao Tzu by Witter Bynner which contains these words. "As the soft yield of water cleaves obstinate stone, so to yield with life solves the insoluble…. But this unworded lesson, this easy example, is lost upon men."
You've learned to expect no more from your in-laws than they are prepared to offer, and that is the mark of a wise person. In addition, your children accept them on their own terms. This is a boat not to rock.
Your friend is attempting the impossible. She has an idea of the ideal grandmother, and she is determined to make her mother-in-law conform to that ideal. It's like trying to hold back the tide or make the wind obey. She should be grateful her children have one grandmother who meets her expectations.
Those children are going to spend their lives dealing with a variety of people in a real world. They need to accept reality and understand people for who they are. That is a far more valuable practice than expending energy trying to make people conform to our mental image. This is one area where supporting your friend does everyone a disservice.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of August 14, 2006)
Walking The Walk
I have a very important question. My wife moved out of the house last year with our young son and daughter. We have done some excellent counseling and made excellent progress. She actually moved back home two weeks ago. You can't believe the relief.
We broke up because of my controlling personality, but there were no financial or drug problems, nothing of that sort. I am a physician. We had a stable home and job for 15 years. I think she just got tired of not being heard and appreciated.
I believe I have made many important changes for myself and her.
There may not be an answer to my question, but how long does it take for things to be okay again once a couple reunite? Days or months or years? I am a patient soul, but life is quite short. I guess I am asking, what does it take to soften a hardened heart and how long?
Hal
Hal, it may be possible to say how long an illness takes to run its course, but it is not possible to say when, or if, things are going to be okay with your wife.
In Stephen King's novel From a Buick 8, there is a state police sergeant whose men trust him and know they can always rely on him. The author says, "They knew this, not because he said anything, but because he walked the walk."
Do you walk the walk of a man who loves his wife? Do you walk the walk of a man your wife can love? Are you alive to her presence? Those things cannot be faked, and your wife is sure to know the difference.
Your profession makes heavy demands on time, but life is like a box. There is only so much space. If you try to pack too much in, some items will be crushed out of existence. Do you make the time for your wife and family? Do you have that genuine desire?
We would not say you should be thinking of your wife when you are with a patient, but when you are with a patient, do you forget you are a married man with a wife you love?
To the extent the future is yours to decide, it depends on your genuine feelings. In one of the Martha Grimes mysteries, a man explains why his relationship didn't last. When I passed a flower store, he says, I didn't have the urge to buy her flowers.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of July 14, 2003)
Mates
How can I get my boyfriend whipped? I mean how can I get him to be one of those boyfriends who is always attached to his girlfriend and listens to what she tells him to do? The reason I’m asking isn’t solely to be one of those teenage girls that want to control their boyfriend. My boyfriend is not headed on the right path. He does drugs, drinks, and does not listen to his parents.
We have had an off and on relationship, and I care about him very, very much. I am a levelheaded 17-year-old girl who wants to put him on the right track. I want him to listen to me because he does not listen to anyone else. If you have any guidelines or anything, I would appreciate it.
Allison
Allison, supertankers on the ocean can take 20 minutes or more to stop. It takes that long because their momentum is so great. People come with great momentum, too. They come with a history, character, and set of experiences which make it very difficult for them to change.
This isn’t to say we shouldn’t feel compassion for others or try to help them, but don’t think you can stop a supertanker in its tracks. In choosing those who are to be closest to us, we are more likely to be fulfilled by someone who is sailing our same course, or by someone sailing a course which pleases us.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of December 17, 2006)
Beyond Her Grasp
I am a woman, 42, who three years ago married a wonderful man who will be 48 on his next birthday. I love him very, very much. The only problem is our sex life is horrible. Pretty much nonexistent. I can safely say we have had sex maybe 20 times in our six year relationship.
When I've tried numerous times to talk to him, he gets defensive and says, "There's nothing wrong with me." He also says, if I want to have sex, I should just say so. But when I make advances, he pushes me away thinking I am playing with him. Then he leaves the room. Of course I get frustrated, out of the mood, and give up.
I love my husband so much I don't make a big deal of it, although I know this is not normal or healthy. I can't get him to go to counseling or discuss this. I am at my sexual peak, and I am tired of dreaming of sex with other men. I want our relationship to work, but I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this.
Claire
Claire, you can work on planting a garden, you can work on your weight loss, you can work on your reading speed. But you cannot work on someone else's problem, unless they are willing, and failure is guaranteed when they tell you they do not have a problem.
Thoreau said, "It takes two to speak the truth--one to speak and another to hear." Your husband will not hear or discuss reality, the reality of the situation as you see it. You married him knowing he had this problem. Marriage does not cure a problem, it makes you a party to it for awhile.
Is this the hard lesson you had to learn? That you cannot marry a man with a serious problem and expect to fix it.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of November 22, 2004)
Legal Remedies
Five months ago my daughter-in-law came home and told my son she wanted their marriage over. Devastated, my son implored her to consider counseling and taking all steps to work out her unhappiness.
She refused and filed papers for divorce. What can my son do? Is it true it takes two to marry, but only one to divorce?
Margot
Margot, it only takes one. In societies where women are free to divorce, the one to file is usually the wife. Your daughter-in-law has refused your son's offer. If she is steadfast in her refusal, he needs to accept this new reality and plan accordingly.
People are not infallible. We make mistakes. We don't always act from understanding. Aside from the mistakes we make, there are people who deceive us, abuse us, or seek to control us. There must be a remedy for these situations.
If all people acted from good intentions, with truth and in full understanding, perhaps divorce would not be needed. You haven't provided us with details. Perhaps you don't know them. Perhaps you don't want to point a finger.
All you want is to prevent this event from occurring, but that is beyond your power. The law allows for, and must allow for, our individual free will. Though only your daughter-in-law knows her motivations, she is free to exercise her legal right.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of November 12, 2001)
