Ulterior Motive
Life was not this complicated a year ago--said laughing while banging head on keyboard. I can make this short, but there is so much and I want to be fair.
Stage one: friends. A friend decides our relationship needs to be advanced to a sexual/dating level. This was probably his objective when we first started hanging out, however, I could not picture us together. He was not my type, the age difference was huge (15 years), and I just couldn't see an "us."
Stage two: friends plus. Imagine my surprise when I fell head over heels in love. He quickly and effortlessly became my favorite person in the whole world. Once we started sleeping together, well, he's the best I ever had, and he's said the same about me. Regardless, it's been a huge headache.
He's got this nice little routine that works for him, and I never once worried about losing my independence because he was so dead set against losing his. It didn't take long to realize I adore this man, and we fit great together. The beginning of the end was saying this aloud to him.
I know the rules: always hang up first, leave them wanting more, never give details, blah, blah, blah. But I made the decision to love him and that negated the Barbie and Ken mating ritual in my mind. Not in his. The chase was the most exciting part to him.
Stage three: stage fright. He "loves me but is not in love with me." (What does that mean, anyway?) We started the cycle of break up, just friends, get together, have sex, break up, etc. We finally stopped dating, again, two months ago. I've been heartbroken since.
Valerie
Valerie, in one of P.G. Wodehouse's novels, Bertie Wooster says, "It's like Shakespeare. It sounds well enough, but it doesn't actually mean anything." That is what we think of "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." It sounds well enough, but it doesn't actually mean anything good. What does it mean? It means "I don't love you."
One line of your note jumped out at us. "He's got this nice little routine that works for him." That's the situation in a nutshell. He's got this nice little routine that works for him. Not for both of you, but for him. And he doesn't want to change. You believed his objective from the start was to advance your friendship to a sexual level. Friendship was never his objective.
It might help you to think of this man as a confirmed bachelor who keeps women on a shelf until he needs them. Or think of him as a married man, married to himself. It is futile to pursue a confirmed bachelor or a married man.
What is in your heart? That there is a purpose to dating. There is a goal. You want someone you love, who loves you, in a mutually exclusive relationship leading to marriage. Once you realize you cannot go there with this man, you can move on.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of June 7, 2004)
A Spoonful Of Sugar
My husband and I have been married only 11 months. We always had problems but our relationship was never this bad before. I am wondering if I should stay with him.
Since the beginning we've had arguments almost every day. I admit I start most of them. I get mad at him so easily when he doesn't do what I want, or leaves me home to go with his friends to nightclubs.
Yesterday I found out he is posting ads in the personals saying he is not married. This is not the first time he has done this, and some of these women he's called. He says he does this because I hurt him, get mad so easily, and don't let him do what he wants.
Today he said, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." I still love him and want to be with him. I want to repair our marriage, but I'm scared. Maybe we should separate since we've tried to make it work and failed so many times.
Courtney
Courtney, learning the meaning of the word "but" can clarify your life. Everything which comes before the "but" is sugar to make the medicine go down, everything which comes after is the medicine. Too often we hear both parts of the statement and end up confused.
"I love you, but I'm not in love with you" means "I am not in love with you." That is the message your husband lacks the courage to say plainly. Whenever you hear "but", remember the second part is what the speaker means.
We tell people the word "but" should go off in their head like a gunshot. Pay close attention to what follows. It is the part which matters. You wanted to get married, but you had problems in your relationship from the beginning. You ignored the "buts" while you were dating, but it is not possible to ignore them now.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of December 10, 2001)
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