Tell It Like It Is
I am gay and still in the closet, though I am straight acting. I am from a well-off family, intelligent, and people say that I have it all. But they don't know the pain inside of me. Being gay is like a curse from God.
I just cannot accept that I am gay. I am so attracted to men, regardless of how I try not to be. I have already tried counseling, both here and overseas, but to my horror my "problem" increased, leaving me depressed.
I was involved with a younger guy, but he decided to move on with his life and move away. In a few weeks he will be gone for good. What hurts is he knows how much I care for him, yet he decided that was the best thing to do.
I have a good job. I hate thinking about suicide, but my heart is in pain. I feel uncared for. I am intelligent enough to realize if I continue living my life this way, I will end up living all my life on antidepressant medication.
Roger
Roger, the short term answer you already know. Treatment for depression has advanced enough it can take the edge off the lows you are now feeling. Get help.
The long term answer is this. When our inner world and our outer world are in alignment, we will be happy. If they are in conflict, we can neither feel at home in our body nor at home in the world. Both of your worlds must be aligned for you to be happy. Gay or straight doesn't matter.
You tried counseling yourself out of being gay. It didn't work. You can't be gay and pretend to be straight. That doesn't work. If you are gay and need to live gay, then you need to look at why you can't, and start working on all the barriers. See which items need to be changed: your job, your location, or the particular people in your life.
Even though it takes time to make corrections and replacements, at least you will have a projected end to this problem. Now you are locked in a room with a thousand keys. Start trying keys until you discover which ones unlock the door.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of May 27, 2002)
The Nature Of Life
I am a 24-year-old who recently came out of the closet and am putting my foot in the gay world. What I find is a world of men who are pretty much just after one thing. I have been going out to bars and clubs and have tried meeting people online, but it doesn't seem to change or be any different.
I am a sincere person with a big heart that has already been bruised enough. I am afraid of a relationship that isn't honest, or is just convenient to someone else. Should I expect this being gay, or are there ways to meet men who are not so hard up on a bed-based relationship?
Rex
Rex, it's tough when you want to share your life with somebody and you can't find them, but it is even tougher to waste yourself emotionally on the wrong people. Don't be dragged into relationships which tear you down and make you feel less.
Each moment you are breathing, your heart is beating, and you are living. Don't focus on one thing and say, when that happens, I will have a life. Pursue those things which are under your control: learning, career, events, and interests.
There is only one time in life when there is something called "waiting." It is when you are in the dentist's office paging through year-old magazines, waiting to be called next. You must have faith the right person will come when the time is right, but when the time is right is not under your control. If you want someone vital, alive, and productive, you must be the same.
As time goes along, you will learn the signals, symbols, and social situations which allow you to be more open about your sexuality. Each of us yearns for love. Make it clear to everyone you encounter that you realize only a long-term, monogamous relationship will satisfy the yearning of your heart.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of April 1, 2002)
Sight Unseen
I can't believe I'm writing for advice, but I think the time has come. I have been intimately involved with my lover for two years. She has been in a relationship with another woman for eight years.
Needless to say, I am the other woman in her life. I am at the point where I want to end our relationship. My problem is I don't know how. We started out as friends and have had so many fun times together I'm scared of losing that. I don't want to hurt her, but I am mature and wise enough to know the entire situation seems to be a lost cause.
My lover tells me I am trying to put a time limit on when we will be together, but after two years I feel I have the right to know what the future holds for me but there are no answers.
Susannah
Susannah, Tamara often says, "What most letters boil down to is the letter writer is unwilling to do the hard thing." There's no point in giving you an answer because you already know the answer. But the right answer is the hard thing.
When a relationship is going nowhere, you need to end it. Continuing takes away the opportunity of finding the right person. In addition, ending a wrong relationship gives you the courage to end wrong relationships in the future. It is hard to choose uncertainty, but that is where potential happiness lies.
Wayne
(From the column for the week of February 2, 2004)
Just Deserts
My partner and I have been together 10 years. We own our own home, so obviously our credit is joined. Both individually and together we have always had excellent credit; we are never late with a payment and never overextended.
We recently found out my partner’s sister fraudulently opened up credit accounts using my partner’s name without her knowledge or approval. This sister has racked up $11,000 in debt and is way behind in payments. We found this out because we were denied credit. Prior to this our credit score was at the top of the chart.
We notified our local police, filed a report, alerted credit bureaus and other agencies. The police advised us to alert the local police in the state where her sister lives in order to further pursue the identity theft.
Herein lies the problem. Her sister, an adult in her middle 30s with a good-paying job, still resides at home with her parents. Her father is employed with law enforcement in the area and also is considering running for mayor of the town. Both her parents are very active in the local Catholic church.
Out of respect we approached her father before going to the local police. As it turns out, this is not the first time her sister has done this. She has a long history of poor financial decisions and deceptions, including doing almost the same thing to her parents. She is also a pathological liar.
My partner is torn about what to do. If she does not go to the police, this fraudulent information will stay on her credit history for 10 years. If we pursue the identity theft, my partner will be the “bad guy” for turning in her sister. Her father does not want her to pursue this because he wants to protect his daughter from prosecution.
I say her father should be concerned about protecting the daughter who has always done the right thing and to uphold the law, even if it is his own daughter who has done wrong. What do you advise?
Mallory
Mallory, the motto of many law enforcement agencies is “protect and serve.” Your partner’s father wants to protect and serve himself and the perpetrator of a crime, not the victim of the crime and the community at large. He believes it is okay to send someone else’s daughter, brother, or sister to jail, but not his own.
The term identity theft makes this crime sound like dressing up for Halloween or using a fake id to get into a bar, but it amounts to grand theft, embezzlement, robbery, and fraud. Ideally your partner could handle this as a mental health issue and get restitution as well as help for her sister. Practically speaking that isn’t going to happen.
Your partner’s sister holds all the power and always will, unless something is done. Victimizing her sibling doesn’t make the crime less, it makes it worse. A crime against a person we have a bond with adds another level to the betrayal, and adults well into their 30s need to live in accordance with adult rules.
Think about the idea of the “bad guy.” This kind of bad guy is bad only to those trying to ladle guilt onto a person who acts responsibly. This kind of bad guy is bad only to those seeking to be immune from the consequences of their actions. This kind of bad guy becomes bad only by allowing herself to become a coconspirator in a cover-up which will harm others at a later date.
Living in accordance with reality, rather than with appearances, simplifies life marvelously. Sometimes in life you have to be the bad guy. If your partner’s sister ever gets the mental health help she needs, it’s more likely to come from butting against the legal system than from being sheltered from it.
Wayne and Tamara
(From the column for the week of April 9, 2007)
The Opportunist
I met a man online who was separated from his wife. I had intimacy with him, and found him asking to see me again the very next day. A week later he tells me not to call because he’s going to see his wife and wants a clear head. I said fine, but I wasn’t going to wait for him and would pursue other opportunities.
The next day he calls saying he wants to see me, but says he’s not going to let himself get carried away. The following day was my birthday, and he spent two days with me. He began staying at my house every Saturday minimum, and sometimes Friday and all day Sunday.
He’s surprised me with dinners and small gifts. Normally he doesn’t call from his cell because the bills go back to the old house. He doesn’t want her to see them and suspect he is seeing someone else. He says he doesn’t want to hurt her unnecessarily.
One Thursday recently he called, and I spent two hours on the phone. I told him the issue wasn’t that he’s in love with his wife. The issue is that I am a man. He said I was right. The next day he calls me to say that he’s going back with her to see if he can be happy with her. Not even 24 hours pass, and he calls to say he’s left her for good.
We had dinner that night, and he tells me he told her he wasn’t in love with her anymore. She said she wasn’t either, and then she went berserk. She said she would make life impossible for him. Two days later she called him to soften things up. From what he tells me, she’s still waiting for him.
Recently he asked me not to call because he wants to feel he’s taking all the steps forward. He’s again saying he feels confused, doesn’t know if he’s gay, and doesn’t know if he is going back to his wife. I said, “You’ve been saying that since day one.”
He says he’s falling in love with me, and he asks me for patience while he sorts his head out. He says he’ll reward me. I’m getting close to the end of my patience because deep down I know he’s gay.
Antonio
Antonio, there are people who lack love, loyalty, attachment, and honor. Intimate acts mean no more to them than their sense of pleasure at the moment. Sex is not a promise or a connection from them, but they know what it elicits from another.
He’s not gay, he’s not bi, he’s not straight. It is whoever he can have sex with. It’s the act he is interested in. You would like to define him as gay, but he will not let you.
The gifts, the attention, the words are just the cost to him of getting what he wants. When he is going to have sex with his wife, he tells you not to call because he is paying the cost to her. After sex with her and while thinking about you, he calls. Now he pays the cost to you.
Like a fake psychic doing a cold reading, he has the ability to read people, and he has accurately read your type. He can spend the day with you and the next day say, “Don’t call me. I’m confused.” Yet he knows with absolute certainty next weekend he can be with you again.
This man is a narcissist. His attitude is, “Others are just marionettes on my stage.” He derives his power from saying everything you want to hear, interspersed with “Go away. I don’t want you.” That’s what keeps gold miners panning for gold. Having panned a ton of gravel and found a few nuggets, they are now willing to pan ton after ton of worthless rock.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of July 30, 2007)
Something More
I am a 35-year-old single gay male. I met a man, 23, online. I was 33 and he was 21 when we met. We had what could be called a relationship, based mostly on intimacy, with the occasional dinner and movie at my house. But in two years we never walked out of the house together, let alone met common friends and family.
I am completely out of the closet, but he is not. No one but me knows his true sexuality. He says he really likes me, but I want more than this. I proposed a healthier, normal relationship. He never said yes or no, and the status quo remained the same.
Recently he saw my profile on a gay dating page. I told him, “I am a single man who can do as he pleases seeing as you won’t commit.” He admitted I am right. I said I hope he finds love and takes care of himself and goodbye. I added if he reconsiders and wants a normal relationship, my door will be open.
After two years like this do you think I should pursue him? Or shall I pursue other interests? I am in emotional turmoil and genuinely seek advice.
Francisco
Francisco, if you have sex with someone you feel isn’t dating you, you will feel compelled to pursue them to make it into a relationship. In those quiet hours when you are alone, you will think, “I got used.” That is what compels pursuit: the desire to make intimacy more than just sex.
That’s why, after your eloquent speech about moving on but the door is still open, you seek to pursue him again. You were trying to tell him, “We aren’t going to have sex if this is not a relationship.” But that ploy didn’t work.
Most people have a good ear for a threat with nothing behind it. We never recommend any kind of threat, bluff, or game-playing to get what you want in a relationship. We never recommend for anyone to be in a relationship where they are not equals with their partner. We never recommend anyone stay in a relationship which is not based on love, respect, trust, and fidelity.
Without all these present in equal measure, you are a victim. Without all these present in equal measure, you are in a power struggle not a relationship.
If you don’t stand on your character in the gay world, then you will never have anything more than sex. Females are in this position all the time. Am I going to let this guy just have sex with me, or am I going to demand love, respect, trust, and fidelity? It’s like Pinocchio. Until he started doing what was right, he could never become a real person.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of January 29, 2007)
Soul-searching
I am intimately involved with another woman whom I adore and love very much, even though I've been married 12 years. My husband and I do not have children together, but I have grown children and grandchildren. I am 48 years old.
Susan has become my best friend. We are great together, and we love each other deeply. She left her husband to be with me thinking I was going to leave my husband, too. But I can't leave my husband for several reasons: I love him, he is my financial security, and it would destroy him.
In the beginning I felt great guilt, accompanied with crying and emotional outbursts, about being with Susan. But we've been involved four years now, and the guilt has subsided. My husband knows and likes Susan but has no idea what is going on between us. My daughter suspects, but I reassured her nothing is going on. (Susan looks and acts rather mannish at times.)
Is my relationship with Susan doomed? How can I be honest with her when I can't be honest with myself? Susan made me promise someday we'll be together, but I can't see that. Not that I don't want to be with her, but I'm afraid of losing the love of my children and grandchildren if they knew the nature of our relationship.
I don't work. My husband works a great deal and is gone a lot. He loves me and trusts me completely, though I am cheating on him.
Joyce
Joyce, a cynic is a person who believes life is driven solely by self-interest. As Oscar Wilde wrote, a cynic "knows the price of everything and the value of nothing."
Everything has a price, and the price of being with Susan is telling lies to your husband, lies to your daughter, and lies to Susan. If you genuinely loved your husband, you wouldn't treat him this way. Can we all agree on that? You wouldn't be sneaking around if you weren't certain you are hurting him.
You are also hurting Susan by not telling her your true intentions. In you, the only love we see is self-love. You're looking out for the best deal for yourself. But in doing that you ensure you'll never have love, because you're not living up to your end of the bargain with anyone.
You wrote to unburden yourself, but we're not offering to lift the burden from you. You have to do what is right. Even if the other shoe never drops, there will be a price to pay. In the quiet moments at the end of your life, when you cast your eye upon yourself, you will see the treachery you wouldn't want others to have done to you.
Tamara
(From the column for the week of October 10, 2005)
Falling Short Of Love
I have been involved in a gay relationship for four years. For the past few months times have been tough, though somehow we got through them.
A year ago my partner's father died and left her with nothing. Her mother put up the money on a house and moved in with us. This was the only way my partner could afford to buy a house. I contribute to the house payment but own nothing of the property.
My lover's mother suffers from a mental disorder which causes her to go completely off her head at times and not remember a thing. I am starting to resent my partner for dragging me into this situation, even though I consented to the whole thing.
My other problem is my best friend left last month to work overseas. I miss her terribly and told her I have been in love with her for three years. It started with a game of Truth or Dare.
I regret mentioning my feelings as I am afraid of losing my best friend. I just want to run away. The walls of my life are closing in, and I don't know where the door is anymore.
Ginger
Ginger, you are confused because you think being alone is worse than being in an unsatisfactory relationship.
You don't want your partner, and your best friend declined your invitation. Tell your partner the truth, including your feelings for your best friend. Don't let her think her mother is the cause of the problem.
You can't say you love your partner when for three out of four years you imagined yourself with another. It is love only when, no matter what difficulties or glories life brings, you can't imagine yourself with anyone else.
Have courage. Honestly end your current relationship so you are free before you begin another. Courage is the most liberating thing. It makes life simple. It opens doors when we can't find the way out.
Wayne & Tamara
(From the column for the week of September 10, 2001)
