Once a cheater always a cheater.
Is this statement true?
Do you think people should be allowed one mistake?
--Melissa
Melissa, let us ask you a question. If you were in business with a partner, and you discovered your partner was stealing money from the company, would you ever trust him again? That is what infidelity is like…being in business with an embezzler.
Of all the topics people write to us about, the most frequent topic is cheating.
We have received thousands of letters on this one topic. Why? Because in the depth of our consciousness, in the core of our being, we want to be loved exclusively. Infidelity attacks the essence of what we desire.
Some authors claim a couple can get past an affair and build a relationship better than before. The letters we receive do not support this claim. It is wishful thinking.
The writers who claim you can get past an affair say open and honest talk is the key. There are two problems with that approach. First, as so many letters to us indicate, the innocent party is not likely to get an honest account from the other party. If they told you exactly what was on their mind at each stage of the affair, it would end your relationship.
Second, there is a problem with talk as a cure. There is a one-sided gain to talk. The cheater has everything to gain. All the unfaithful party has to do is what they were supposed to do in the first place. But their partner loses the idea they had a spouse who loves them more than anyone else. Their partner gets a lifetime sentence of wondering, What did he tell her? When will she do it again?
Talk keeps people engaged. When the unfaithful party keeps the innocent party talking, they will lower their demands, lower their expectations and lower their resistance. That is not the same as getting past an affair.
Remaining together sets up an unpleasant dynamic. The unfaithful person often tries to level the field by accusing the innocent party of also having affairs. Even if that doesn't happen, if the innocent one voices doubts about the marriage, the issue becomes not who had an affair, but who "failed to forgive." The tables are turned on the innocent party.
When parents lose a child to accident or disease, they never forget that child. That is what an affair is like. It is like having a dead child at the center of your marriage. Every time your spouse is late, where will your thoughts go… That is the future of your relationship.
We often say, "Without fidelity, there is no security." Fidelity is what makes marriage different from any other relationship. At any time the person who is cheating can start a relationship they would prefer to your marriage.
-- Wayne & Tamara Mitchell
