Beyond Affairs Network
(BAN)
"I'll probably always wish none
of this had happened."
--
Peggy Vaughan, founder of BAN.
“And my daughter, a major part of the story, attempted suicide as she struggled to cope with her own emotions around her father's infidelity.”
--
Anne Bercht, Peggy Vaughan's
successor as head of BAN.
In 1980 James and Peggy Vaughan published Beyond Affairs, a book about James' frequent infidelity in their marriage. That also was the year Peggy founded the Beyond Affairs Network (BAN).
James Vaughan was a pre-ministerial student when he and Peggy married. Later he changed majors, earned a Ph.D. in psychology, taught in a university, and conducted corporate seminars.
It was while conducting business seminars on honesty and trust that James admitted to Peggy he had been unfaithful for the previous seven years with multiple partners. It was something Peggy knew but never confronted her husband with.
Near the end of Beyond Affairs, Peggy makes three interesting statements. When asked how she can trust James again, she says, "What I trust is his honesty—that he will never deceive me again." She does not say he will be faithful. She says he won't lie about it to her again. (Beyond Affairs p. 180)
Peggy also admits she would not be the one to initiate a divorce. (Beyond Affairs p. 178)
And most tellingly, years after his affairs were revealed, Peggy Vaughan says, "Despite our sex being better than ever, James hopes it may someday be possible for us to have sex with others." (Beyond Affairs p. 190)
In The Monogamy Myth, Peggy says monogamy is not the norm. She claims 60% of men and 40% of women are unfaithful in marriage, and she speculates 80% of marriages involve extramarital affairs. She calls her figures "conservative". (Introduction, p. 6, no source given, 1998 edition)
Wayne and Tamara believe her numbers are not credible. One study, often regarded as the most authoritative, puts the figures at about 25% for men and 15% for women. (The Social Organization of Sexuality - University of Chicago)
On an intuitive level, her numbers don't make sense. If 80% or more of marriages involve unfaithfulness, why is it even an issue? Talking about infidelity should be like talking about refrigerators. I have a refrigerator, you have a refrigerator, so we never talk about refrigerators.
On a psychological level, this seems to be Peggy Vaughan's way of preserving her fantasy ideal of marriage--by undermining it. She seems to be thinking, "This is what marriage is like. Since it is like this for everyone, my marriage is okay."
As a young girl, do you think Peggy dreamed of her husband having sex with other women? Do you think she dreamed of having sex with another man, as she did once James' infidelity was out in the open? Or do you think she dreamed, as you dream, of a true love which would last for a lifetime?
In a Gallup poll of twentysomethings, 94% of never-married singles said "the first requirement in a spouse is being a soul mate; 87% think they will find that person when they are ready."
"That desire is at the center of our consciousness," say Wayne and Tamara Mitchell. "That need is what infidelity destroys."
Sources:
Peggy Vaughan quote Beyond Affairs, 1980 Dialog Press, p. 180.
Ann Bercht quote from her website, December 12, 2007.
Gallup Poll, USA Today, June 12, 2001.
Edward O. Lauman and others, The Social Organization of Sexuality,
University of Chicago Press, 1994.
