The Behavioral Approach - Positives

Domesticating Wolves

   I have been married for two years, with stepsons aged 18 and 16. Either their parents did not know what table manners are, or they decided it's not important for the boys to learn.

   Last night I made an elegant candlelit dinner for Mardi Gras including several appetizers and desserts. I invited my mother-in-law as well. When it came time for dinner, I felt like I was eating with Neanderthals. The boys, including my husband, dived at the buffet like wolves at a fresh kill.

   I told them next time it would be appropriate to let the guest of honor fill a plate first, then I watched them eat virtually like pigs. They constantly talked with their mouths full, which totally disgusts me! They ate so fast and furious there was a ring of food particles around the table where they sat.

   I was appalled. When I asked the boys not to talk with their mouths full, my mother-in-law said, "Oh, don't worry about them. They're fine." In the past when I've corrected the boys, my husband says I'm too hard on them.

   The truth is, after last night's meal, I don't want to eat with them. It's gross and disgusting, and it makes me nauseous. Please help me! Do I stop eating with them? Or continue trying to teach them knowing some future daughter-in-law might benefit?

   Claire

   Claire, you are outnumbered four to one. Correction and negative approaches won't work, so forget about them. The boys' future wives will have their own methods, not all of which are available to you. While you may not completely change the boys' table manners, as an adult, you know that patience and persistence nearly always carry the day.

   Start with two ideas. One, you don’t want to be chased away from your own table and your new husband. Two, no turmoil should be going on at a time when everyone should be receiving nourishment.

   To those two ideas, add three principles of behavior called extinction, incompatible behavior, and shaping. If the boys are talking with their mouths full to express resentment or to annoy you, then it's important not to react in any way. Be totally neutral. Behavior which is not reinforced tends to disappear. That's extinction.

   At your Mardi Gras buffet, you could not control the boys' behavior, but in other settings you can. For example, at a sit-down dinner, your husband can serve each portion of meat, then each plate is passed to you to serve the rest of the meal. You control who is served, when and how. That is the second principle. Make arrangements which are physically incompatible with behavior you don't want.

   Finally, when the boys show good table manners, respond to them immediately with enthusiasm and your full attention. Use praise and smiles. Perhaps you might even offer a special treat. Positive reinforcement shapes behavior toward what you want. It takes time, but like the slow trickle of water, it cuts through the hardest stone.

   Wayne & Tamara

(From the column for the week of February 25, 2002.)

 

Breaking With Tradition

   I have a problem with my husband's grandmother. From the beginning, I welcomed and accepted his grandmother openly. I did not question her motives and accepted her for who she is.

   The problem is this woman is the source of gossip in the family and dwells on pitting my husband and his brother against each other in petty competitions. This carries over and includes the wives.

   I am a born-again Christian and the peacemaker in the family, and I am tired of it. I am tired of petty competitions like who gave the best birthday present. I told each and every woman the gossip must stop!

   Life is too short to spend on negative issues and fighting. How can I teach my children healthy conflict resolution if this woman continually hurts us and starts fights? She is in her 70s and too late to change I guess.

   Josee

   Josee, your desire to teach your children healthy conflict resolution is excellent. It is a much needed skill, but it assumes at least a minimal willingness on the part of the other person to play. Sometimes that just isn't the case.

   So it is with your husband's grandmother. She has been doing damage to her family for decades, and barring some profound event like a near-death experience, she isn't likely to change.

   Dealing effectively with her is more like housebreaking a puppy than conflict resolution. A behavioral approach is what is called for. Behaviorism has strong overtones of manipulation which we don't approve of, but with intractable behavior it can be the only answer.

   Perhaps you will choose to praise her when she makes positive comments, and remain silent and ignore negative comments. Or perhaps you will simply let her know you and your children will promptly leave in the presence of infighting or negative comparisons.

   Whatever you decide, keep to your plan as faithfully as if housebreaking a puppy. You might also look for a book on behavioral analysis, especially one dealing with the rules for shaping behavior.

   Many people marry into toxic families. Spending less time with them and more time with people who value what you value will make your life more enjoyable. Even more importantly, it will give your children the opportunity to see the difference between productive, mature behavior and its opposite.

   Wayne & Tamara

(From the column for the week of July 29, 2002)