The Behavioral Approach - Negatives

Buyer's Remorse

   A few months after my divorce I started seeing a friend of my ex-wife. She told me I really needed a person that would appreciate me. We had a great sex life, and she told me anytime was fine. I told her I never heard that before, but she said she was different.

   After a year she asked when we were going to buy a house. I said, "If you want to, we will." I used my money to buy the house, and our sex life changed as soon as we moved in. Her life is now centered around her young son from a previous marriage, and when he goes to bed, she goes to bed.

   This has been going on since we bought the house four years ago. We never would have bought the house if our relationship was like this before.

   Kennan

   Kennan, you knew how important a vital sexual relationship was for you. Some part of you sensed it was too good to be true. When you questioned her, she allayed your fears, but those fears have come to pass.

   Time complicated the situation. After four years your girlfriend is likely to feel nothing but anger when you confront her, but confront her you must.

   What really is the issue? Is it sex, or is there not enough love between the two of you for physical intimacy to be a natural part of your relationship? If there isn't a connection which allows intimacy, there isn't a connection which allows this relationship to continue.

   Tamara

(From the column for the week of July 29, 2002.)

Life On The Serengeti

   While working for a staffing agency, I met a man I always thought was attractive. It never crossed my mind he would ask me out. One day I was in the office waiting for my paycheck and he asked me for a date. I accepted.

   It was a little uncomfortable at first since he was the president of the company, and in a sense, I worked for him. The thought that everyone would be suspicious of our relationship made me uncomfortable. However, he was very comfortable with the idea.

   Things were going well until I started hearing less and less from him. His receptionist started telling me he would call me back, but he never did. I even left word on his cellular phone, but he hasn’t called. Why would a man, who claims to have been attracted to me for so long, start playing this kind of game?

   I tried to end the relationship because I was uncomfortable, but he reassured me things were okay. He said he couldn’t bear the thought of not having a relationship with me. I don’t understand. Why would he change just when I’m starting to fall for him? Why is he acting this way? Please help.

   Jennifer

   Jennifer, every morning all the animals come to the watering hole. It is the perfect time for a predator to ambush his prey. What better spot to lay in wait than the one you know your prey must come to?

   The dynamics of your situation are nearly the same. The boss asked you out while he almost literally had his hand on your paycheck. Your instincts told you this was not a good idea. Like every animal that ignores its instincts, you are now feeling the pain.

   Leave the last three letters off the word “relationship,” and you will have a clear idea what he couldn’t bear the thought of not having. Whether he got that or not, he is done with you. He has ended this relationship in the same way he began it, with only his interests in mind.

   Whether this experience is positive or negative is up to you. You can learn not to trust men. Or you can learn to listen to yourself and always follow your deepest instincts. If you take the second path, you will eventually find the balance and harmony that make life a marvel.

   Wayne

(From the c olumn for the week of December 6, 1999)